Malaise

I actually had written most of a post about today, and how I'm trying not to give in so much to the anniversary blues...Unfortunately it turned into exactly that, and I'm just tired of it. I'm in...a "rut" doesn't describe it, really; it's more like "a Chicago-area main-street pothole in March after a full winter of freeze-thaw cycles and a bi-weekly parade of semi trucks." I hate that JP is gone, and I hate that I'm alone, and blah, blah, blah, haven't we been through all this before? I actually did spend the day trying to do stuff to improve my outlook a little; I did all the laundry--you would think one person wouldn't generate much laundry, but then again the person you're thinking of probably does her laundry more than once every six weeks or so--and I took apart my bedroom and vacuumed all the fluffy corners and dusted all the dusty stuff. My environment looks great; my attitude, not so much (though part of that has nothing to do with the anniversary and everything to do with The Godforsaken Itch. TGI has improved, yes--except for my back, and my shoulders, and behind my knees, and.... Finally today, I couldn't stand it anymore and called the allergist my doc referred me to; she said, and I quote, "No antihistamines for three days before your appointment, please." My appointment is Tuesday. Technically, I COULD take some tomorrow, but since I'm now out of Benadryl anyway, there doesn't seem to be much point. I hope I don't go completely insane by Tuesday morning--judging from today's scratch marks, it's a very real possibility.)

I'm tired of my rut, tired of my outlook, tired of my misery. I want to be happy. I want to feel normal--like I'm part of the human race for a change. I would like to have SOME hope that I could possibly attract a partner someday; that, maybe, most of all. I want to be able to look at all my wonderful options and all the great ideas I have, and actually FEEL something--excitement, hope, optimism, ANYTHING. Right now my life puts me to sleep, and I don't even know how to make that better. I know how fortunate I am, how blessed, how lucky--whatever you want to call it--but that knowledge doesn't really do me any good; sometimes, in fact, it makes it even worse. I've got all these things going for me, and I've been given so much...so why, again, am I so miserable?

Mostly I'm lonely, and tonight, at least, that makes sense. I can't believe it's thirteen years since I lost JP; it seems like a billion years, maybe, or maybe just a day or two. I'm amazed at how meaningless those thirteen years have been, how little I have to show for them--not materially, but emotionally. I try not to think about the next thirteen years, or the next. It scares me to think that this is really it--that the rest of my life is set up before me, no surprises--just more of the same. I don't think I could stand knowing that for certain.

Glad That's Over

I have to say, that was...You know, I am WELL aware that I have no right to be unhappy. But man, I really, really was. I just wanted to come home last night, and the night before...

Not that I didn't enjoy the company of the various relatives at my aunt-in-law's house--particularly the ones my age and younger. My various semi-cousins are really fun people, and their kids, who were toddlers or babies in bouncy-seats last time I saw them, are now ACTUAL LITTLE HUMANS, running around being wild (three-year-old boys) or little six-year-old girls showing off their twirly-skirted dress and Christmas toys. Christmas is one of the few times I think Hey, maybe I COULD do this having-kids thing...then I think, what crack am I smoking? Because first of all, see, that requires a partner, or at least someone willing to loan me a turkey baster....

And it's not that I didn't take some pleasure in working with my mom on the potato dish we'd promised to bring along, which necessitated an entire Christmas Eve of cooking and preparing(the end result of which was oh-my-god delicious, if you ask me, much like the rest of the dinner...My aunt-in-law's house is a WONDERFUL place to spend the holidays if you like to eat. I highly recommend it).

But Christmas Eve at Mom's, when it got to be bedtime, and I tucked myself into that same room where I've spent all the failures of my adult life, and thought about JP and what might have been (again, for the four-billionth time)...

Or on Christmas morning, when I feigned enthusiasm for clothes I already know I'm never going to wear, because Christmas is the time my mother tries most subtly to change me, even though I know it's done (mostly) out of love...

Or facing up to the fact that my mom is reaching the state my grandmother reached eventually, where the super-strict standards of housekeeping start to slip because she doesn't see the dust, or it hurts her back too much to bend down to scrub, or any number of other signs that remind me how old, exactly, she's getting...

Or when answering the innocent question "Oh, so you moved?" from people who hadn't heard the story, or listening to Mom practically BRAGGING, now that it's over, that I'd survived living on the West Side..."But she never had a problem the whole time she was there, surprisingly," I heard her tell someone...this from the same woman who begged me for four years to tell her family that I was still living in Rogers Park...

...or listening to the politics out in the main dining room, from the comfort and safety of the "kids' table" where most of the twenty- and thirty-somethings had landed just out of habit...

I know I have nothing to be unhappy about....but really, all I wanted for Christmas was just peace and quiet, mainly; or maybe just "quiet", since "peace" these days seems to be a little bit out of reach.

(A day off work would have been nice too, though I was heartened somewhat by how many of the rest of my age-bracket had to go to work this morning too. Seriously, though--How much does that suck??? WORK, on the day after Christmas??? Aren't we supposed to go out and shore up the economy with further mindless consumption today??? Doesn't the retail sector count for ANYTHING???)

I have a lot to feel thankful for, I know. I'm just having a hard time mustering the energy to feel it.