(although actually, if you ever wanna see something really cool, go into the HTML editor on a blog post and make the font-size "500" instead of "500%"--awesome! Doesn't matter right now, though, because....)
I GOT HIRED!!!!!
I got the call this morning, from the company I interviewed with last week.
Details (as if they mattered--in the past couple of weeks I've been ready to consider "stealing cupcakes from small children" as a worthy career path, so any legitimate work that came my way, I was going to jump at): It's a small company; same money I was making at the last place; horrid commute for the first two months, but then they move downtown and I could practically walk to work; casual environment (woohoo!) It's going to involve a lot of problem-solving over the phone, after tons of training on the company's products.
I feel like I could melt into a giant puddle of soup right now. Or ricochet off the walls like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon...or cry hysterically...or possibly puke.
God. FINALLY!!!!
:::takes deep breath:::
Wow.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Wow, Apathy
It's really sad, when total inertia takes over much of a person's life.
I have a big ranty post I want to write...but it seems too much like work.
My laundry has been waiting for me to tote it downstairs for four days now.
My main skill sets are now "sleeping", "eating", and "riding my exercise bike".
I would guess, just from writing this, that I'm depressed. But I don't really FEEL depressed; just kinda...meh. I think it's sort of like the financial version of what happens to people on a crash diet: their metabolism shuts down, to avoid expending energy as much as possible. Well, my activity level has shut down to avoid spending money as much as possible....or at least, that would be a good theory if, in fact, any of the things I'm not doing cost any money at all. I think I'm just bored. I want something to change for the better--anything. Actually, I just want something interesting to happen to me. Which is a dangerous thing to say; interesting things are rarely cheap--but c'mon. It's been five MONTHS since I've had any real routine outside of this house, and even though I could get used to not working, I can't get used to the worry that goes along with not getting paid.
However, there may be good news on the horizon: I have a third interview tomorrow. I've had the first two phone interviews and the "assessment"--one of those personality test things--and apparently, even after all that, they're still interested in me. The only drawback--and at this point, it would be so small as to be almost unnoticeable--is that if I do get hired, my commute for the first two months will take me almost within hollering distance of the Wisconsin border. But come June, the entire organization is moving to downtown Chicago, close enough to ride a bike if I so chose. I'm hopeful, as far as this position--my only worry is, the first and second interviews were conducted by the same guy, whereas the third one--the face-to-face interview--will involve him AND a second interviewer, who would be my immediate supervisor. Obviously I've made a decent impression on the first interviewer, but whenever a new face comes into the process, there's that chance that she won't be as impressed. I know I should relax--all I can do is be myself, and if they don't like that....
...they'll be just like every OTHER employer I've interviewed with since October. :::sigh::: This is really getting old.
I wish I had as much energy as I have had time on my hands, these past few months. I've got a lot of good ideas, yet somehow I can't make myself take steps to get them off the ground. I am doing exactly the minimum necessary for survival--not a bit more. I haven't really done anything enjoyable in quite a while--yet I don't feel miserable. I can't pin down any one thing that's bothering me (other than not having a job, but I don't take that personally--it's just an annoying state of affairs, not a negation of my value as a human being) but I am completely inert nonetheless. It's different from the weepy kind of sadness which I normally think of when I think "I'm depressed"--but really, it's almost more annoying. I start berating myself--here you are, I say, with all this time you could be using to write, to start the bakery, to learn something new, to finish all those unfinished craft projects, to work on the house...and you're not doing any of it! And even knowing it doesn't make me change.
I hope I get this job; the cabin fever is making me wacko.
I have a big ranty post I want to write...but it seems too much like work.
My laundry has been waiting for me to tote it downstairs for four days now.
My main skill sets are now "sleeping", "eating", and "riding my exercise bike".
I would guess, just from writing this, that I'm depressed. But I don't really FEEL depressed; just kinda...meh. I think it's sort of like the financial version of what happens to people on a crash diet: their metabolism shuts down, to avoid expending energy as much as possible. Well, my activity level has shut down to avoid spending money as much as possible....or at least, that would be a good theory if, in fact, any of the things I'm not doing cost any money at all. I think I'm just bored. I want something to change for the better--anything. Actually, I just want something interesting to happen to me. Which is a dangerous thing to say; interesting things are rarely cheap--but c'mon. It's been five MONTHS since I've had any real routine outside of this house, and even though I could get used to not working, I can't get used to the worry that goes along with not getting paid.
However, there may be good news on the horizon: I have a third interview tomorrow. I've had the first two phone interviews and the "assessment"--one of those personality test things--and apparently, even after all that, they're still interested in me. The only drawback--and at this point, it would be so small as to be almost unnoticeable--is that if I do get hired, my commute for the first two months will take me almost within hollering distance of the Wisconsin border. But come June, the entire organization is moving to downtown Chicago, close enough to ride a bike if I so chose. I'm hopeful, as far as this position--my only worry is, the first and second interviews were conducted by the same guy, whereas the third one--the face-to-face interview--will involve him AND a second interviewer, who would be my immediate supervisor. Obviously I've made a decent impression on the first interviewer, but whenever a new face comes into the process, there's that chance that she won't be as impressed. I know I should relax--all I can do is be myself, and if they don't like that....
...they'll be just like every OTHER employer I've interviewed with since October. :::sigh::: This is really getting old.
I wish I had as much energy as I have had time on my hands, these past few months. I've got a lot of good ideas, yet somehow I can't make myself take steps to get them off the ground. I am doing exactly the minimum necessary for survival--not a bit more. I haven't really done anything enjoyable in quite a while--yet I don't feel miserable. I can't pin down any one thing that's bothering me (other than not having a job, but I don't take that personally--it's just an annoying state of affairs, not a negation of my value as a human being) but I am completely inert nonetheless. It's different from the weepy kind of sadness which I normally think of when I think "I'm depressed"--but really, it's almost more annoying. I start berating myself--here you are, I say, with all this time you could be using to write, to start the bakery, to learn something new, to finish all those unfinished craft projects, to work on the house...and you're not doing any of it! And even knowing it doesn't make me change.
I hope I get this job; the cabin fever is making me wacko.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Seven Things I Am Still
1. Here.
2. Alive.
3. Unemployed.
4. Sick of #3.
5. Eating way too many Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and drinking way too many Pepsis.
6. In denial about #5.
7. Perfectly content with my current living situation, except for financial exigencies caused by #3.
8. Just short of panic regarding the future of my mortgage.
For a while there, I thought #8 was solved; Mom and I had discussed the possibility of her cosigning on a refinance of the house, so that I could get out of the foreclosure. Unfortunately, I made a very, very big mistake; deceived by several months of recent adult-ness and maturity in our conversations, I made the drastic error of telling her that LJ had moved back and was renting a room from me. I made it very, very clear that the relationship was over, that it was a purely financial arrangement, very temporary in nature; she didn't hear a word of it. All she heard was "LJ's back" and then she stopped listening, and started stomping around the house and huffing and puffing and telling me how disappointed she was in me. I would understand that, if there was still a relationship there; I could understand anyone being disappointed in me, under those circumstances. Hell, under those circumstances I'd be disappointed in mySELF. But that's NOT what's going on here!! What's going on here is a very simple, very basic rental situation--nothing more. I'm not feeding him, not giving him money, not taking care of him. I am, once a month, collecting a sum of money from him and using it to pay the note on the truck.
That doesn't matter to Mom, though. I'm disappointing and foolish and any number of other things. And then she dropped the bombshell....She's not going to cosign. "I have my own stuff to worry about, my own health and my own bills, and I'm not putting myself in that position," she said. Which I would have agreed with 100%--except for the timing. Curious that those issues weren't mentioned until AFTER she'd been told LJ was back, hmm? There's no connection between those two events, is there?...not at all, not even a LITTLE one. But I'm supposed to be honest with her, right? I'm supposed to be an adult, and not hide things from her, right?? I'm supposed to be mature, right??? Even though decisions are being made as punishments, as though I'm still a small child who needs to be reprimanded--somehow I'm supposed to be an adult in the face of that. Well, guess what? That's just what I'm going to do. I'll be an adult; I'll deal with whatever comes, even without her help. But if I lose this house because she wouldn't help me, it will be added to a long list of things I've lost at the hands of her "mature", "adult" reactions to my "disappointing" decisions. And eventually it will get to a point where I may not be able to forget about the things I've lost, or to forgive the vindictiveness that led me to lose them. And regardless, you can be sure I won't be so anxious in the future, to tell her what's going on in my life.
I've discovered something: it's very tiring, to be happy with your own life and be happy with yourself. You'd think, wouldn't you, that it would be easier than this.
2. Alive.
3. Unemployed.
4. Sick of #3.
5. Eating way too many Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and drinking way too many Pepsis.
6. In denial about #5.
7. Perfectly content with my current living situation, except for financial exigencies caused by #3.
8. Just short of panic regarding the future of my mortgage.
For a while there, I thought #8 was solved; Mom and I had discussed the possibility of her cosigning on a refinance of the house, so that I could get out of the foreclosure. Unfortunately, I made a very, very big mistake; deceived by several months of recent adult-ness and maturity in our conversations, I made the drastic error of telling her that LJ had moved back and was renting a room from me. I made it very, very clear that the relationship was over, that it was a purely financial arrangement, very temporary in nature; she didn't hear a word of it. All she heard was "LJ's back" and then she stopped listening, and started stomping around the house and huffing and puffing and telling me how disappointed she was in me. I would understand that, if there was still a relationship there; I could understand anyone being disappointed in me, under those circumstances. Hell, under those circumstances I'd be disappointed in mySELF. But that's NOT what's going on here!! What's going on here is a very simple, very basic rental situation--nothing more. I'm not feeding him, not giving him money, not taking care of him. I am, once a month, collecting a sum of money from him and using it to pay the note on the truck.
That doesn't matter to Mom, though. I'm disappointing and foolish and any number of other things. And then she dropped the bombshell....She's not going to cosign. "I have my own stuff to worry about, my own health and my own bills, and I'm not putting myself in that position," she said. Which I would have agreed with 100%--except for the timing. Curious that those issues weren't mentioned until AFTER she'd been told LJ was back, hmm? There's no connection between those two events, is there?...not at all, not even a LITTLE one. But I'm supposed to be honest with her, right? I'm supposed to be an adult, and not hide things from her, right?? I'm supposed to be mature, right??? Even though decisions are being made as punishments, as though I'm still a small child who needs to be reprimanded--somehow I'm supposed to be an adult in the face of that. Well, guess what? That's just what I'm going to do. I'll be an adult; I'll deal with whatever comes, even without her help. But if I lose this house because she wouldn't help me, it will be added to a long list of things I've lost at the hands of her "mature", "adult" reactions to my "disappointing" decisions. And eventually it will get to a point where I may not be able to forget about the things I've lost, or to forgive the vindictiveness that led me to lose them. And regardless, you can be sure I won't be so anxious in the future, to tell her what's going on in my life.
I've discovered something: it's very tiring, to be happy with your own life and be happy with yourself. You'd think, wouldn't you, that it would be easier than this.
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