Wow, Apathy

It's really sad, when total inertia takes over much of a person's life.

I have a big ranty post I want to write...but it seems too much like work.
My laundry has been waiting for me to tote it downstairs for four days now.
My main skill sets are now "sleeping", "eating", and "riding my exercise bike".

I would guess, just from writing this, that I'm depressed. But I don't really FEEL depressed; just kinda...meh. I think it's sort of like the financial version of what happens to people on a crash diet: their metabolism shuts down, to avoid expending energy as much as possible. Well, my activity level has shut down to avoid spending money as much as possible....or at least, that would be a good theory if, in fact, any of the things I'm not doing cost any money at all. I think I'm just bored. I want something to change for the better--anything. Actually, I just want something interesting to happen to me. Which is a dangerous thing to say; interesting things are rarely cheap--but c'mon. It's been five MONTHS since I've had any real routine outside of this house, and even though I could get used to not working, I can't get used to the worry that goes along with not getting paid.

However, there may be good news on the horizon: I have a third interview tomorrow. I've had the first two phone interviews and the "assessment"--one of those personality test things--and apparently, even after all that, they're still interested in me. The only drawback--and at this point, it would be so small as to be almost unnoticeable--is that if I do get hired, my commute for the first two months will take me almost within hollering distance of the Wisconsin border. But come June, the entire organization is moving to downtown Chicago, close enough to ride a bike if I so chose. I'm hopeful, as far as this position--my only worry is, the first and second interviews were conducted by the same guy, whereas the third one--the face-to-face interview--will involve him AND a second interviewer, who would be my immediate supervisor. Obviously I've made a decent impression on the first interviewer, but whenever a new face comes into the process, there's that chance that she won't be as impressed. I know I should relax--all I can do is be myself, and if they don't like that....

...they'll be just like every OTHER employer I've interviewed with since October. :::sigh::: This is really getting old.

I wish I had as much energy as I have had time on my hands, these past few months. I've got a lot of good ideas, yet somehow I can't make myself take steps to get them off the ground. I am doing exactly the minimum necessary for survival--not a bit more. I haven't really done anything enjoyable in quite a while--yet I don't feel miserable. I can't pin down any one thing that's bothering me (other than not having a job, but I don't take that personally--it's just an annoying state of affairs, not a negation of my value as a human being) but I am completely inert nonetheless. It's different from the weepy kind of sadness which I normally think of when I think "I'm depressed"--but really, it's almost more annoying. I start berating myself--here you are, I say, with all this time you could be using to write, to start the bakery, to learn something new, to finish all those unfinished craft projects, to work on the house...and you're not doing any of it! And even knowing it doesn't make me change.

I hope I get this job; the cabin fever is making me wacko.