Several Dozen Emotions

Okay, I'm back.
Emotion number 1: Fucking OWWWWWWWWW. I have a root-canal scheduled for Friday. So necessary is this root-canal that I actually called the dentist's office today and asked if I could move it to an EARLIER day. MAN this thing sucks.

Emotion number 2: Gah.
Today, for basically no reason at all, I got snapped at by Mister Christian--you know, my evangelical cube-mate. There are six people in my area, and since we all share a total of three cubes, we are necessarily in very close quarters. And so the custom has evolved that if someone says something interesting on the phone, even if it's none of anyone else's business, it's pretty much free for the commenting--because if it was so damn private, what the hell were you doing talking about it at your desk, which is basically stationed on top of five other people? That's what cell-phones and the end of the hallway down by the window is for--for private calls made out of earshot.

So today, in keeping with the regular norm, I asked a perfectly innocuous question about something totally non-personal which had been said a moment before, and I got my head snapped off for it. "I mean DAMN, will you mind your own business???" was one of the bits I remembered--and again, it's not like I'd done anything that hasn't been done to me a dozen times, nor gone anywhere NEAR the lines that have already been crossed about twice an hour. And my first thought--uncharitable, yes--was "oh, THAT's a Christian way to handle it...." He gives more respect to his kids--and I know, because he talks to them on the phone at least four times an afternoon!

Now, at the end of the day, because I am a doormat and because I feel personally responsible for always making everything better even when there's the slightest possibility that I might have been wrong, I apologized for not minding my own business; and after a minute or two of justifications, rationalizations, and the rest, he finally admitted that he's had a lot on his mind and he might just be short-tempered lately. I managed not to say "Ya think so???" which took an immense degree of effort. So: agnosto-paganoids 1, God-fearing churchgoers, 0.

Emotion number three: giggly twitterpation.
Yes, I'm even making mySELF sick with this one: it's a CR thing. We're absolutely sickening, I swear; all sorts of cutesy schmoopiness of the sort I most despise, all done via IM because: he went back to Boogerhump, IN last week, and I am (emotion number 3.5, here) desolate, in that spectacularly annoying way indulged in by those who know the person they miss will be coming back in a relatively short time. Of course, there's a decent chance this could be replaced tomorrow by REAL desolation; he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow which may change all our plans and annoy the crap out of both of us indefinitely. But for the moment, I'm sticking with the happy side of things....he was here for ten days and it was absolutely fantastic. I had forgotten how comfortable I am with him, and vice versa. We watched a lot of crap TV, talked until I lost my voice, listened to his music for hours (he brought a lot of old soul music and R&B, and I finally (god help me) listened to the entire TWELVE chapters of R. Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet", which made my stomach hurt (from laughing...mostly) and led, as many things with CR and I will do, to a discussion of racial and gender politics. Except we never CALL it that, of course; it's more like "...And this is another thing that annoys me about white people," (said by me, usually) or "And this is how stupid men are..." (usually his words). I was happy while he was here. I'm still happy even though he's not here now; I'm more motivated than I've been in a while, more focused, full of more plans.

Emotion number 4: wistful.
Because, you see, I remember feeling like that once before. I was a lot younger then; and a lot of things have happened since then...but I feel as though there's a chance I might able to go forward anyway. I realize how totally off that seems--that I have to be with someone in order to consider moving forward--but this may be one of those things I have to learn to accept about myself even though I don't like it very much. There are a few of those, mostly things I really cannot change; my non-morning-person-ness, my stubbornness, my insistence on arguing every possible point. I can keep all of those in check, if I try very very hard; but it's an effort, and it's painful, and even when I do my best it doesn't always help. And really, at my age, it might be time to work on changing the really SERIOUS things that need changing--like my fifteen years of apathy and guilt, and the total cessation of all but the most basic survival activities: working, eating, sleeping. That's no way to spend fifteen years; there are things I want to do, you see. And even if I can't see myself succeeding all alone, I can see myself succeeding now--because all alone, all I can think of is what might have been, whereas now, I can think about what IS.

There's more to this post, really...lots more, and I hope I'll get to it tomorrow. There's still "terrified", "resentful", "vaguely amused", "wildly hopeful", "screw you Mister Jerkface" (yes, that IS TOO an emotion), and a fair bit of "righteous indignation"--and probably a few more I'm blanking on, because it's already midnight. But I will come back to them, and in parting tonight I shall leave you with this gem of wisdom:

"OWWWWW. This tooth HURTS, dammit!!!!" --Gladys J. Cortez.