Spring (Admittedly False)

Even though I KNOW it's barely mid-March, even though I KNOW it'll probably snow within the week, or freeze, or whatever, that is doing exactly NOTHING to blunt my enjoyment of the absolutely GORGEOUS weather we've had this weekend. Even the thunderstorms have been gorgeous. If my USB hub was working, I'd upload pictures of my crocuses, which have been poking their heads out for weeks now and which have now flowered--they're close to the house and get all the warmth that seeps out, so they're a few weeks ahead of the real weather.

The plans on the house have been finalized, and I have to say I'm a wee bit disappointed; all I can afford this time around is the new roof and new windows. And I know those are HUGE things--thirteen custom-made windows especially--but I'll admit I was hoping for something more tangible--something pretty. I guess that will have to wait til the next trip through. I -am- going to repaint the bedroom, though, once the new roof is in. And I think--LJ be damned--I'm going to make it girly. Every time I go to Target, when I go through the bedding and housewares section, I'm drawn to the Shabby Chic stuff--eyelet and flowers and pretty things. When I visualize my future, that's the sort of house I see. (Actually, when I visualize my future, lately I'm living in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, or a house like the lake house my friends and I used to go to when we were in college. But that's another story--as much as I love the city, I don't think I'll be a city-dweller for my whole life.)

I had an appointment with Dr. J yesterday, and she finally suggested that I think about antidepressants. She said I seemed very depressed--more than usual--yesterday, which was true; I've had a very rough week, emotionally, and there's no easy explanation for it. Even my dreams have been more vivid than usual, and not necessarily in a good way. I just feel really...OLD, and behind the curve, personally and professionally. Even though I don't regret the things I've done, I've just been wishing I could go back and start all over again, like at birth--with a different set of parents who could see all the options life had to offer, and who would be equipped to teach me that. I don't think my parents ever did anything because it was what they WANTED to do; it seems like they made all their major life decisions because they were "supposed to" or because they felt they didn't have any other choice. And no matter what they SAID to me about "you can do anything you put your mind to", their example was markedly different. Dr. J asked me yesterday if maybe I'd created a script for my life where I saw myself as the victim; I said I don't THINK so, and if I did, it was certainly not a conscious choice and it's definitely something I want to change--but also, a lot of these things have to do with what I was taught about myself when I was a kid, and when you're a kid you ARE a victim, really. You're subject to the whims and ideas of all the adults around you, and frankly, I feel like the adults in my life let me down in many ways. Sometimes I feel like I'd have turned out better if I'd hatched out of an egg. I don't blame my parents--they had their own baggage to deal with--but there were a lot of other inconsiderate, rude adults who I'd like to go back in time and have a word with. Aunts and uncles, coaches, Girl Scout leaders, teachers--all the people who are supposed to watch out for kids and help them develop--a lot of these people let me down, even made things worse.

And yes, I'm an adult now; and yes, it's my place to overcome all these things and steer the course of my own life--and I try to do that. But lately I've been wondering what I might have become if I'd gotten a different start; if I'd learned to believe in myself and trust my own abilities and instincts, if I'd been given some idea of the opportunities that were available, if I had been allowed to stand up for my own opinions instead of being taught that I was the last one to consider, that everyone else's ideas and wants were more important than mine--I wonder what I could have accomplished by now. I wonder where I would be if I hadn't made some of the stupid decisions I've made with money, giving things to people to get them to love me because I'd absorbed somehow the belief that it was the ONLY way they ever would. I don't think of myself as a victim, or at least, I TRY not to; but I feel like I'd be so much different, so much better, if anyone had let me believe that I was important and worthwhile.

Anyway, I agreed to try antidepressants; however, to get them, I have to make an appointment with my primary physician, since Dr. J doesn't prescribe, apparently. (I can never keep track of which doctors can prescribe and which can't; it's like the difference between stalactites and stalagmites. You know it's probably easy to remember if you have the right trick, and you know that SOMEONE knows the difference, but you also know that "someone" is not you.)

I hope the medication helps, anyhow; I'm especially tired of having no motivation to get anything done. Especially when there's plenty I could be doing, it seems like a huge waste of time to not feel like doing anything.