Memo To Someone Who Very Clearly Needs It

Dear "Famous" "Person":

It has come to our attention here at The Story of Why that you have recently chosen to make a major, probably ill-advised alteration to your "look".

Please note the following study in contrasts:

Someone for whom it works

You.

Clearly, between one bald-shaven skull and the next, there are orders of magnitude of difference. Sinead O'Connor's shaved head says "I am a talented person with a strange artistic temperament, expressed through my eccentricities of grooming." Yours, on the other hand, says "I could find no other way to remove that foreign substance from my hair."

Perhaps your shaven head would be interpreted more as an artistic gesture if you hadn't spun the following as "artistic gestures" as well:

--marrying (and spawning with!) this (Photo courtesy of the "Talentless Weaselly Coat-Tail-Riding Wastrels of America" media file)
--smooching this (Photo courtesy of the "Sapphism As a Career Move" Foundation)
--seriously, now... (Photo courtesy of Googling "britney crotch shot")

Regardless of your motivation, the sum of these attempts to preserve and reinforce your newly-minted non-bubblegum image can be clearly interpreted by the public at large, and it translates as follows:

"HELP. ME. PLEASE."

In closing: grow your hair back, put some panties on, quit hanging around with That Other "Famous" "Person", remember that you have CHILDREN, for god's sake, and also: Go away.

Thank you,
Gladys