The Second Best Breakup I Ever Had

I remember once, not too many posts ago, saying that when I was doing heroin, it was hard for me to blog about it because I was so disappointed in myself, and I knew others would be disappointed in me as well. I'm having a similar feeling right now, kinda, sorta...except not exactly.

When I talked to LJ yesterday, and told him that I wasn't so sure I wanted him to move back, that I was pretty much contented with things as they've been for the last few months, he was (predictably) less-than-thrilled. I told him that I had a lot to think about, and that he should call me on Saturday, and he said okay.

Well, he called me today, instead. And after a long conversation, I think we've cleared some things up--but curiously, the one who helped me clear things up the most was Tim.

When I got off the phone yesterday, I came downstairs and told Tim what I'd said to LJ--that I was happy with how things were right now and I wasn't at all sure I wanted to change them. And Tim thought about it for a minute, and said, "You know, I know it's not my place to say anything..." He went on to explain his opinion: LJ and I were still going to have to interact, based on the situation with the truck; just like a divorced couple with kids, we were going to have to interact for at least a while, and wouldn't it be better if we were cordial? Especially since neither one of us was actually trying to screw the other one over? He needed a place to live, and I needed someone to add money to the coffers, whether for the car payment or everything else; why not make the situation easier for everyone? "I mean," Tim said, "try to look at it from his side, too..."

Which is all very true. So I did a lot of thinking, and when he called today, this is what I told him:

1. The boyfriend-girlfriend thing is over. It just wasn't working for me, and so that part of our relationship is done.

2. Because the boyfriend/girlfriend thing is over, I can now treat LJ the same way I treat the rest of my friends--I can stop trying to be Ms. Sweet Perfect Girlfriend, and tell him when things are bothering me, and I can have the same expectations of him as I would have of Tim or anyone else.

3. Therefore: IF he promises to clean up after himself, and IF he promises to pull his own weight financially and not try to give me the "oh, could you take care of this for me this month?" thing, and IF he understands that the minute he starts taking advantage of the situation, he's out on his butt...IF all those conditions are met, THEN he can come back and stay here. So he's got to pay his own way--in this case, that means paying the note on the truck and taking care of all needed repairs; he's got to clean up after himself (which he acknowledged not doing in the past, and which he says he understands a little better from the situation he's just been in); and that whole "Hotel Gladys" thing, where he and his friends come in and tear up my house and eat up my food and leave the mess and the bills for me, is completely and utterly dead.

I also told him that he's got Tim to thank for helping me see things from his side, and that I have no desire to cause him any problems or screw him over in any way, but I absolutely will NOT put up with how things were in the past. He seems to understand all that; we'll see what happens. But really, the deciding factor was this: if LJ had to rent an apartment, he most likely wasn't going to be able to make the truck payments--which would leave me with the whole burden.

I know this is probably not the most popular decision I will ever make--I'm only about 90% happy with it myself--but I'm trying to hang onto the house here, and every possible dime is a godsend right now. I've already got papers served on me regarding the foreclosure, though Neighborhood Housing Services says I've got about 15 more months before anything is irrevocable. If I can get my finances together, there's a better chance that I won't lose the house. LJ, no matter what else can be said against him, does have a regular income (his disability check), which right now is more than can be said of either Tim or me.

I'm mostly just relieved that the breakup conversation is over; all things considered, that was the second-smoothest breakup I've ever had. (The smoothest was with Seattle-Man, with whom I never actually broke up at all; we just stopped calling each other.)

I know what most of you are going to say; believe me, I know, because I've said it all to myself several times over. But Tim makes a good point, and the possibility of some money coming in makes an even stronger point...and the thought of having this truck situation over and done with for good, sooner rather than later, makes the most compelling point of all. Once that's done, I'll have no problem telling LJ "Okay--now that you don't have the truck payment, you can afford a place of your own--so go get one!" And having taken the "boyfriend/girlfriend" aspect out of our relationship, I'm now free to indulge my inner bitch and actually ASK for what I want--be that money, help around the house, or basic damn common courtesy.

What a relief THAT is!!!