Dear Digestive System:
You need to desist with this whole "flu" thing. No one wants to hear any more of your obscene gurglings, least of all me. And frankly, when it's gotten to the point that I've memorized the number of tiles on the bathroom floor, it's clear that I've spent entirely too much time in there.
Stop it. NOW. I mean it.
Sincerely,
Gladys
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