Very Interesting

So I've been reading all your responses to my last posts, and I've got to say, this is one heck of an intersting conversation for me.

Am I seeing a counselor? Yes. She's one of the main singers in the "have the surgery!" chorus; she's convinced that I'd be much less-depressed if I lost weight and thus, liked myself better. The problem with that, though, is what seems to be my underlying "logic": if I lose weight, others will find me more attractive, and therefore I will like myself better. That's a perfectly accurate statement of my thought processes, and it overlooks the elephant in the room:

Why, exactly, do I base my opinion of myself on what others think of me? Particularly potential partners? Why the hell does that even MATTER??

But it does. That's the bitch of it; since I have been able to remember, the opinion of potential love interests has absolutely superseded my own opinions in nearly every way. I'm talking five, six, ten years old: my self-esteem was absolutely entangled with whatever my latest crush thought of me, or if he thought of me at all.

First of all: Yes, I know that's sick. Well-aware of that, thanks. :)

Secondly--and much more interesting to me--WHERE DID THAT COME FROM??? (There are times I feel like, if I could answer that question, I would be able to understand every stupid decision I've made in my entire life--especially the financial ones, but there have been plenty of others as well.) What, exactly, happened in the first four or five or six years of my life that taught me:

--it is more important what some little boy thinks of you, than what you think/know about yourself
--your accomplishments are only valid if some male thinks they are valid
--anything you can do, or be, or think, unless it is given the proper degree of recognition and approval by a male, is invisible and beneath even your own notice?

And it can't even be just some random guy, or even a guy in a position of authority: even a teacher or a boss or a supervisor, people whose judgement of me should have an effect on how I perceive myself and my accomplishments, even THEY don't matter in this Bizarro Gladys World. Only the opinions of potential Princes Charming; only the judgements of men in whom I feel a romantic/sexual interest--those are the only ones that count. Average Joe need not apply.

The intelligent, logical, rational, well-read and well-educated feminist Gladys knows that every single one of those beliefs I've listed above is bubbling, festering, noisome, malodorous bovine excreta of the purest form...

...but it's clear from situations past and present that intelligent, logical, rational, well-read well-educated feminist Gladys is NOT ruling the emotional roost here.

And yes, it would be VERY much worth my while to get rid of that ridiculous backwards belief system...and I would, too, if I had the slightest notion how to go about it. I think it may be the root of much of my unhappiness, my apathy, my inactivity...nearly everything. If a woman succeeds in the forest, and there's no man there to hear her, does she make a sound?

So: apparently I am carrying around some bad mental wiring, some old misconnection that tells me if no man wants me, I am worth nothing; if no man wants me, my accomplishments may as well not exist, and even if there IS a man who wants me, if he does not recognize those accomplishments as worthwhile, then they lose their worth to me as well.

What a fucked-up world-view. And I haven't the slightest notion of how to un-fuck it. If my mind was a computer, I would recommend a total rebuild--wipe the hard drive, reinstall a clean OS, andadd back all the data piece by piece, without the bad files. Unfortunately, that's not an option here... as this makes quite clear, science doesn't fix everything. Instead I'm left with the disquieting knowledge that I may actually be one of the most screwed-up people I know, and not in that cool, interesting screwed-up sense--I mean, in the sense of "Wow, that's seriously, seriously lame."

Lameness aside, though, it's easy to follow the rest of the road all the way straight down: if the only view that matters is the view of the guy who's interested, and there's no guy who's interested, then I am basically invisible and in order to be a useful contributing member of society, I must attract a male. Barring a fluke like JP, that will be impossible given my current appearance and weight; ergo, a)my current physical attributes render me worthless; b)I will only become worthwhile again once I lose some weight.

Again: what a fucked-up world view. I'm gonna call it a night. Thank you, all, for helping me think this whole thing through.