Sick

Today Noreen's daughter brought the newest grandbaby in for ooh-ing and aah-ing purposes. And let me tell you, this was a CUTE kid. She did the little baby yawn and everything. They asked me if I wanted to hold her, but I said no--as an only child with no younger cousins, my baby-holding experience is minimal at best, and this one was just teeny-tiny, and squiggly. No thanks, you know?

Afterwards, I walked back up the steps to my office, and honestly I just wanted to go hide in the bathroom and cry. I don't want kids--I know, instinctively, that I wouldn't be very patient or understanding or any of those good-mom things--but somehow I wish it was even POSSIBLE. I see this late-20's suburban matron holding her newborn daughter, and I think I don't want the life she's got--but I WISH I wanted it. I wish that kind of normal was even on my radar screen of desirable things. To have that I would have to have all the trappings I -don't- want: an office-dwelling, ambitious man; concern for what others will think of me; a measure of upward mobility--when what I really want is just a job which can support me but which I can put out of my mind between 5:01 PM and 8:59 AM. Or, alternately, which I can immerse myself in and enjoy without all the office politics. Oh--and a man who adores me. Which is not something I can think about without ALSO wanting to go hide in the bathroom and cry.

I would have to say that this may be the hardest spring, emotionally, since JP died. I know a showdown is coming between me and LJ--he's so clearly not at all into having a girlfriend, and I'm at the point where I feel like I've been wasting my time for two years now. The only thing worse than this would be if it happened three years from now, the way it did with CR, and I will have wasted five years instead of just two. Once again I'm trying to earn love from someone who--for whatever reason--doesn't want to give it.

I am sick of happy people in love. They make me wonder what the hell is wrong with me.