...I've just had very little to say.
I'd like to say that none of the silence had anything to do with drugs, but...yeah, it sorta did. And it sorta had to do with work, and sorta had to do with way too much good reality TV. The one thing it DIDN'T have anything to do with was "getting something accomplished", which is, of course, the important thing.
I'm being pulled in two directions--the good and the not-so-good. (I'd call it "evil" but I've been trying so very hard to tell myself that I'm NOT a bad person, that this doesn't make me evil, and I don't want to undo what little progress I've made in that regard. Because somewhere, somehow, I don't believe myself when I say it.) I have a million things I want to do, and one that I wish I didn't want to do. And the "one" is winning out over the "million".
I went back to the methadone clinic and got on the program there. Methadone is the only thing I've ever found that has kept me clean for an extended period of time. I also had my caseworker at the clinic get me some referrals for counselling, which I have yet to call. I'm pretty sure what I'm doing with the heroin is self-medicating for depression, and even when I get clean that's still going to be there. So I have to do something about that.
But there's nothing much to talk about otherwise. Work is crazy, and I can't deal with my immediate boss's flakiness, but it's such an improvement over my last job that I can't even begin to complain. The house is the house, although it's cleaner than it's been in a long while; the cats are still cats, and LJ is still LJ. (In answer to a question Flash asked several posts ago: No, he does not know what I've been doing. He is not around enough to know. It's amazing to me that he doesn't know, but I'm glad he doesn't, since I'm fairly sure he'd leave if he knew.)
So--I'm okay. Not great, and not necessarily improving at quite the rate I'd like; but I'm okay. And I will be better.
But I'm really, really bored.
I'm very happy to hear that you're ok. And I'm sad that you're bored, boredom sucks donkey balls!
ReplyDeleteI was beginning to worry. Glad to see you are around. i am happy you are getting help. I had that problem with other drugs and depression. you can work through it, I know you can.
ReplyDeleteHope things get less boring.
Lovins'
AG
Addiction is not a moral failing. You are not a bad person. Thinking that way is just going to continue the cycle.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good person, who deserves a life of good things.
I'm sorry that LB isn't around enough to see (not that I want him to leave you). You need people around you. When I feel "bored" it's usually just my way of translating lonely.
Dang, and I can't even drink and go to work the next day.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry thing have been tough, Gladys. I'm glad to hear you're OK, though.
ReplyDeleteTrying to recover from an addiction is never somthing that should be done alone. NA's might be a good place to start. Whatever you do I am rooting for you all the way, and for whatever it's worth to you, my heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you poked your head back in here. I was worried about you.
ReplyDeleteGlad you went back to the clinic & that you will eventually work on your underlying issues. I know how hard it is to make that first call with therapy. You know you SHOULD do it, but you just can't quite yet MAKE yourself call.
Everybody else has said it so well--this is NOT a moral failing. You have come through this before and you WILL again. Believe in yourself.
So many people are rooting for you here. Take strength in that.
You're doing the right thing, even if you don't think you're improving fast enough. Addiction is a lifelong battle. You will handle this the best way you can.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes, Gladys. You're stronger than you think you are.
Hi Gladys,
ReplyDeleteI've just started reading your blog & am sorry you're having a tough time with drugs again. I was a heroin addict also & have been clean since 1986. I wont lie; I had a few slip-ups, but the most important thing was to get back on my feet & not look back.
I have 2 more of your posts to read to get to present. So, I'm gonna read them.
I know lots of people who have been successful with methadone and some who have not. I think it all depends on where your head is and the reasons you are taking it. I have a good friend who heads a major clinic in Manhattan and he believes it should be coupled with therapy. I hope you follow the advice of your case worker. It's hard, I know but they usually DO have your best interests at heart.
ReplyDeleteI never used heroin and God for that because it surely would have killed me. I am 17 years in recovery and cannot speak enough about was AA has done for me and so many like me. I am duely addicted to both drugs and alcohol but like the program has taught me (it was a hard lesson) they are the same. I thought I could give up the booze and still get high, etc. I tried it but it lead back to the bottle.
Hang in there and believe that you are worth it. So many who have been in our shoes are no longer here to fight their addictions. You are a strong woman.
Peace.............