When Life Goes Well, the Blog Gets Quiet

Everything is going really well right now. (Other than the cold, that is, which is forcing me to pet the kitty's ears just to keep them warm, poor thing. He seems to be enjoying it, though--he's sitting on my lap and purrrrrring his fluff off.)

I'm coming up on two months clean, which is wonderful; I feel great, and it's a relief not to have to worry about where the dope is coming from. I got my tax check, which I can now put toward bills instead of drugs. I'm proud of myself.

LJ has been really sweet, too. For Valentine's Day, I came downstairs to find a HUGE heart-shaped balloon that plays "I Think I Love You" by the Partridge Family. I grinned at that for about an hour straight--the Partridge Family, for heavens' sake! And what he wrote in the card was really great. I think he's trying to be a little more open with his emotions. We've got a long way to go, but I'm encouraged.

And best of all: Unless something completely unforeseen happens, I'm approved for the financing I need to get the roof, the windows, and the doors replaced on the Catastrophe! A few weeks ago, I got a questionnaire in the mail about what repairs were needed on the house. I filled it out and mailed it, and a couple of days later a contractor came out and looked at the place. He was totally reputable--showed me his licenses, gave me all sorts of information--TOTALLY unlike Bob the Plumber, the guy who screwed me over so badly a couple of years ago. He's also working on a house across the street, which I've seen them working on for a couple of months now--I was very impressed with the work they were doing even before I knew who was doing it. Anyway, we made a list of all the things that need to be done, and even though we can't get them all done right now, we can get the big ones done and then refinance again when the appraisal increases. I'm really excited--I've been wanting to get this work done since I bought the house, and now it looks like it's really going to happen.

So like I said: everything is going really well!!

I'm still depressed, somewhat; I think of JP all the time, and I miss him constantly. I've tried to talk about it with my therapist, but she seems more interested in the here and now of my life, in getting me to take care of myself and not be such a doormat. And I see her point, but I honestly believe the root of my sadness is unresolved grief over JP. I'm consistently amazed at how often I think of him; my first thoughts of him are usually before I get to work, and then throughout the day he's in and out of my thoughts. If it was a couple of months since his death, that would make more sense, but it's over ten YEARS and he's still a fixture in my mind, and I still feel as though my life is incomplete without him. Something needs to be done about that; I want to be able to fully enjoy the good things in my life, instead of thinking all the time of what might have been.

Even with that grief, though, I can still look at this moment and see how much better things are than they were a couple of months ago. I feel very lucky that I was able to stop using--it was a lot harder to quit this time than it was last time, and I think one of the main things that will keep me from ever doing it again will be the fear of NOT being able to stop, next time. I think it was close to that this time. But I stopped, and I'm not going to make that mistake again. I have too many things I want to do with my life.

(The OTHER great thing that's happening now?? The Daytona 500 is tomorrow!! NASCAR season is once again underway....Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!)