The Big One

I got fired today.

I knew I was getting sleepy this morning, but I thought I’d caught myself before anyone saw; I got up, walked around, waited for the No-Doz to kick in. And I was fine way before lunchtime, but apparently someone had said something already. I hope whoever it was—I have a suspicion, though it’s only a suspicion—can sleep with a clear conscience. If it’s who I think it is, her karma will take care of her for MANY transgressions other than this.

They’re giving me severance, which I’m sure they think is very generous, in exchange for signing a waiver that says I won’t sue. I don’t know yet that I’m going to sign it. I don’t know yet that I’m not going to sue. I notified them two days ago that I was seeking medical attention for this issue; the fact that they fired me anyway doesn’t seem quite right. Then again, I’m sure they covered their butts and checked everything out with their lawyers, to make sure they had an airtight case against me.

I would feel worse if I’d done anything wrong. I would feel worse if I hadn’t made all the changes I’ve made; if I hadn’t changed my diet, my dosages of medication, my sleep schedule. For weeks now I have slept through the weekends; in an effort to get as much sleep as possible I’ve stayed in bed for days. I tried coming in later when I felt that there might be a problem; I was chastised for that. I have done everything in my power to overcome this.

Of course, a couple of days ago my mom dropped a little bomb on me too. I was telling her about H.R.Chick’s assertion that there was “no accommodation for sleeping on the job”—as she so kindly phrased it—and my mom matter-of-factly informed me that my father had been fired more than once for EXACTLY THE SAME THING. Um, could that have maybe been useful information to have passed along before now??? Especially when you consider that I seem to have inherited more traits from my father than from my mother?

I’m terrified; I’m not going to lie. I don’t know how I’ll handle this during any future interviews, for starters, and then I’m worried that no one’s hiring, that no one will hire ME. I feel defective, diminished, less-than-normal.

But then in the darkest little corners of my heart I know: I never wanted this job. I was ambivalent when I took it in the first place, and though I tried to like it and tried to do well, I didn’t really TRY try, because I didn’t really care. One way or the other, whether this company failed or succeeded, I didn’t care. I TRIED to care. I felt bad for not caring, but I hated to get up in the morning, hated to go to work, couldn’t wait til the end of the day. I couldn’t see myself staying there forever. And I didn’t even have the comfort of HATING it, the way I did at the end of the last job. There wasn’t even anything worth hating about it. It was dull and boring and meaningless, and if the company failed tomorrow it wouldn’t be the slightest loss to the world; one more pointless, non-essential consumer product would disappear, and that would be the extent of the tragedy. I wasn’t making a difference; I was making it easier for some rich guys to get richer by selling something no one really NEEDS. The only benefit to me was the paycheck and what it brought. I felt no personal satisfaction from the work I was doing.

So yes: I feel horrible that I got fired. I feel terrified that I won’t be able to keep the house, that all sorts of awfulness could be coming down the road. But in a way I feel…relief. I won’t have to fight this battle anymore. I won’t have to try to like these people anymore, won’t have to try to motivate myself for a job I couldn’t care less about. In my dreams I imagine that this is a beginning; that somewhere out of nowhere an opportunity will come to do what I really want to do, what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid and denied, denied, denied—because I was afraid, because I listened to everyone who told me writing was a hobby, not a way to make a living. In my dreams something happens and I don’t have to look for a job I hate, because I’m able to do what I love and actually make a life from it.

I’m pretty sure that’s only going to be a dream, but I’m going to indulge it for a day or two; indulge the dream and work on the resume, and start looking for something else. If I’m very lucky, the severance will be extra, instead of just survival money.

But as I’ve seen today, I’m apparently not a very lucky person.