They're Doing It Again

I got in the car today to run approximately seven thousand errands, and when I turned on the radio I discovered they were doing it again: Q101 is trying to kill me.

Just like last year, they're ending the year with "14 Years in 14 Days"--a retrospective of all their yearly countdowns since they became an alternative station back in 1993. Today was 1993.

Most of the time lately I've been able to deal with missing JP, mostly by not thinking at all about how much I miss him. I know it's not the healthiest way to handle it, but it's the best I can do for the moment; I've just got other things to deal with right now. On some level I think I've managed to believe that if I really try hard enough, I can come up with enough "other things to deal with" to fill up the rest of my life. Or I can keep dwelling in my imaginary little world, where just thinking about doing something or being something is as good as the actuality. If I dream of being a writer, or plan out how to be a writer, in my imaginary world I am excused from the work of actually writing. If I remember a better life, where I was happy and loved, I can live in that memory and avoid the work of accepting that it's different now, that it's never going to be like that again for me. And if I don't think about those things, or any of the other things that can hurt me, I can stay quiet inside and make it through another day.

But then sometimes there's a day like today--a day when I hear a song that reminds me--or a dozen songs that each remind me. And suddenly it's not so easy not to think about it anymore, humming along with songs that were playing on the radio when ...fill in the blank. Songs I remember from the apartment in the suburbs where I lived when Dave and I were married; songs I remember from the apartment in Humboldt Park, on JP's battered-but-loud stereo. Songs from the little storefront apartment with the amazing sunlight, or from the room at his mother's house, or from the little red Dodge we drove around. We attached worlds of meaning to those songs, and hearing them again just makes me want to sink to the ground and cry. I still miss JP so damn much sometimes...

I think I'll be staying out of the car for a few days. I don't think I could take hearing much of 1994 or '95...too close to my heart. Meanwhile, I think I'll sit on my sofa and watch Christmas shows..."The Year Without A Santa Claus" must be on, somewhere.