Memos to the World

Dear World:

It has come to my attention that there are some issues we need to address. Please read this memo carefully, as you will be held responsible for the contents.

1. Regarding your attire: No matter what "fashion" appears to dictate or condone, any article of clothing tight enough to EMPHASIZE your fat-rolls is unacceptable. This includes t-shirts three sizes too small and made of spandex, especially when worn with jeans so tight as to cause the aforementioned fat rolls to hang over the waistband and under the hem of the shirt. (Teenage girl on the corner of 55th and Racine, I'm speaking to you especially. Seldom have I felt such a nearly-irresistable desire to stop a moving vehicle and remonstrate with a fellow human being regarding their choice of apparel, but...Honey, that was the biggest mess I've ever seen. Don't you own a MIRROR? And furthermore, WHERE is your mama, or any other sane human being with functioning eyeballs, who should have stopped you from walking out the HOUSE like that???)

2. Regarding the upcoming television season: Anyone caught watching that "Caveman" show will be subject to immediate and severe ostracism of undetermined duration. (The show is based on a freaking INSURANCE COMMERCIAL for G*d's sweet sake. I know Hollywood has supposedly reached the bottom of the barrel, but seriously: do we need such blatant evidence? Also, those things scare me.)

3. Regarding cuisine: A new benchmarking system has been adopted, as regards who will be allowed to prepare food. It is a very simple system, as it contains exactly one rule: If you cannot cook rice properly, you need to put DOWN your spoon and back AWAY from the kitchen. We are willing to concede that there are two schools of thought as to whether rice should be sticky or separate; however, the following rules are agreed-upon by most thinking peoples the world over: 1. Cooked rice is not CRUNCHY. 2. Cooked rice contains SALT. The amount of salt is open for discussion, but there must be at least a LITTLE. (Cafeteria at Wonderful-Place-Where-I-Work, I am looking directly at you. What you did to those enchiladas a couple of weeks ago was bad enough, but that rice on Friday was simply inhumane.)

The preceding policies take effect immediately, and will be added to as circumstances demand. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Gladys J Cortez, Ruler of This Blog.