Clueless Asshole: My Statement

Men. Men, men, men. Where to begin to instruct you on what would seem to be a very basic tenet of the Gospel of Cluefulness?

Flatly and categorically: it is NEVER. NEVER. NEVER EVER EVER a good idea, before you meet a woman, to try to get them to discuss their body type in detail.

Note above, the use of the word "try". If we volunteer the information, that's a whole 'nother story. But if we DON'T volunteer it, if you have to drag it out of us, that generally means we--like 99% of the rest of our gender--have body- image issues to some greater or lesser degree, and would really prefer not to increase our chances of rejection any further.

Exhibit A is a (slightly redacted) transcript of an IM with the guy I mentioned in a previous post--the one who I was supposed to meet a while back. In a conversation yesterday, I agreed to meet him for coffee (shut up, all of you--I know...) some time this weekend.

Originally I suggested downtown--neutral ground--but he managed to convince me to meet him at a bar closer to where he lives. (It's also about a mile from my mom's house, so it's not unfamiliar territory; he's just more comfortable there than I am, which seems to me like a minor power-grab. Not inexcusable, though--just lame.) He seems to have his agenda firmly set, whereas I have been noncommittal at best. I'm not terribly happy in my current situation--true enough--but I don't think it's unsalvageable; I have no intention of cheating with anyone. Just so we're all clear.

(It is worth mentioning, before posting Exhibit A, that I have already decided that this meeting will NOT be taking place, a decision based largely on the tone and content of this conversation.)

Exhibit A: Clueless 101

him: i'm excited, u?
me: yep! (and nervous.)
him: y?
him: do u have a wooden leg or something?
me: my natural state.
him: jeez louise
him: so yor 5'6"
him: bout i'll say 180ish
him: all booty
me: you're on the polite side of that number, but okay...
him: 8-}
him: hmmm
him: juicy fruit
him: 190ish
him: it's all good
him: no worries
him: how old is your pic?
me: A few years, actually.
him: hmmmmm
me: maybe...6? I think....
him: holy shit
him: ok talk to me here
him: you've seen me
him: my pic is up to date
him: so give me details, or give me death
him: it's only fair
me: can i just say, this is NOT helping with the nervousness?
him: i am only kidding with u
him: it's ok, let it out baby
him: so i guess its safe to assume from your responses, you've gained a few lbs since those pics?
him: so what? it's all good
him: i am not superficial
me: well, good.
him: ok i stil lwant details
him: give me a visual
me: big but not huge.
him: umm hmm
him: curvy??? straight line? help me out, no fair
him: this is fun
me: for you, maybe...
him: im only helping u warm up to me
him: open up, its ok
him: u r so funny
him: ok so big chest
him: big booty, flat, none at all,
me: spoken like a man who was never a female in a previous life.
him: haha
me: Not flat, no--not like J Lo or anything, but not flat!
me: curvy...big chest...
him: yummy
him: big and round, i'm in heeven
me: heh...
him: see, that was easy
him: you'll be fine
him: just be glad i have big hands
me: haha...
him: that is so funny, u have a 6yr old pic of u on your profile
him: holy cow
me: well first, that profile is like 4 years old anyway...and second, that's one of the few pictures of myself that I HAVE, let alone LIKE.
him: ha
him: u look good in that 1
him: so u r thicker than that 1?
me: yes.
him: hmmmm
him: cant wait

(End Exhibit A.)

Where to begin? Maybe just with a basic question:

How do these types of guys always seem to find me? And do any of you know where I might buy some These Types Of Guys Repellent??? (I know--I don't need repellent---they're already repellent enough all by themselves. :::rimshot::: Thanks--I'll be here all week. Try the veal.)

But seriously.

Guys, here's a public service message from me: File this approach under Doomed From The Start, Don't Even Think About It.

Trust me on this one.