Why Instincts Are Good Things

Again--a redacted version of the conversation. Also annotated, because reading TWOP has shown me that bullshit should probably be annotated. :)

him: whats up?
me: Listen...I was thinking about this last night and I don't think it's such a good idea.
him: what?
me: I'm just not comfortable with what I'm doing, that's all.
him: which is..........
him: going out?
him: I am so gonna be pissed in about 10 secs
him: you've got to be kidding me
me: Meeting up with someone who has clearly expressed an interest when I'm seeing someone else. Not right.

Notice here: I'm making this MY problem, MY issue, because I have a hard time telling someone they've skeeved me out completely. I am TRYING, here, people.

him: didn't know it was like that, you make it seem like it wasn't a problem
him: so let me get this right, you don't want to go out with me because you might upset someone who doens't give you the time of day?
me: It isn't, except it is. No matter how bad things are in whatever situation I'm in, that's not a justification.
him: or hardly speaks to you?
him: great!
him: thanks
me: I'm sorry. I'm just not comfortable doing that.
him: great
him: I knew this would happen
him: you know, you tell me for days we're going to finally meet, and today this shit, pretty shitty actually

Two days, to be precise. During which we discussed at length the fact that you intended to screw me. Or rather, YOU discussed; I, on the other hand, made noncommittal noises and repeatedly changed the subject. Also, did I mention that these two days of discussion came after a year of silence, which began when YOU blew ME off the last time we planned to meet? On ZERO notice, just not returning my calls to find out where and what time? Or that there was never any explanation of why, even later, when I asked for one? So if, in fact, my change of heart is as shitty as you claim, at least I know I haven't cornered the market on shittiness.

him: if you didnt want to meet me, all you had to do was say so
me: Let's just say yesterday's conversation made your intentions WAY clearer than they had been up to that point, and that was where I started to think about it.
him: but whatever
him: oh come on, you can't take a joke? I am not like that

Oh, here we go. That whole last conversation--that was supposedly a "joke". Quite the little humorist, yeah.

him: all i wanted to do was just freakin meet you
him: my intentons were to go out and have a good time
him: but whatever
him: you seemed like someone i wanted to get to know and thought having a night out would be a good start
him: it's not about sex to me, can have that when i want, wasn't a factor

This from someone who, in yesterday's conversation, told me how many months it had been since he'd had any. And it was a fair bit longer than the duration of my little drought. That whole "I can get it anytime I want" thing? Not buyin' it.

me: If you read back, you made it sound like a lot more than that.
him: well, it wasn't and sorry if you took it that way, i am very open minded and i can conversate about anything at anytime
him: just conversation
him: but forget it
him: i cant believe this shit, i'm pretty pissed off! I am a nice person and all i wanted to do was hang out, i'm not trying to "fuck" you!
him: give me a break

Riiiiiight.

me: Again, read back. If you were a female and had that conversation, you would be fairly suspicious of the other person's motives.
him: possibly, but i just told you that was not my intentin
me: Okay--but that's all I have to go on.
him: but whatever, u just dont want to meet me and that's fine
him: just say so
him: fine, well i wont bother you anymore

Ah, yes--the injured pout. Saw this one coming. I was prepared for it, fortunately, or it might have worked--I hate hurting people's feelings but this just ain't happenin', guy.

me: I'm sorry. I can't control what you think--even though you're wrong about what I think--but I can tell you I'm sorry.
him: u know, it's pretty sad, but it's not uncommon. women deal with bullsit from guys, but are not willing to give a nice guy a chance, someone that would treat them right
him: and not ignore them for 48hrs but still have their woman on a leash

Oh yeah. Here we go with the Dynamic Duo of retorts. 1. The old nugget about "assholes get the women and nice guys get screwed." This argument would have a whole lot more oomph if it wasn't for two things: a) we haven't yet established (anywhere outside Imaginary-Land) that we're dealing with a nice guy here, in this particular situation; and b) are you implying that this is an attitude adopted solely by females? Because I can offer you MUCH evidence about lonely nice girls sitting at home while raging harpy bitches get slobbered over by gaggles of men.

Then we move on to #2: The whole "you're a woman and you're not interested in me so you must not have control of your own life" sequence. This one's my favorite; it's got echoes of CR written aaaalllll over it. Um, no--I'm not "on a leash"--I'm just not on YOUR leash. And that's the real problem here, isn't it?

him: bullshit
him: but whatever, to each is own
him: he must really have u on lockdown, but he does what he wants to??

Yup. "On lockdown". That's me. Little Miss Dick-Whipped. Because we all know, don't we: women can't think for themselves. "If they're resisting MY charms..." goes the Great Trouser-Brain, "it's only because they're under the spell of some OTHER giant schlong." "Maybe I came on a little too strong" is not a thought that ever occurs to these lovely gentlemen.

him: i hope you're not a fool
Yahoo: ________ has logged off

Well, let's see. I'm going home from work tonight and put my comfy clothes on, and I'm going to build stuff. Which--at least, to me--is a far, far better way to spend a Friday night than hanging out in a trendy-for-the-south-side bar with an insecure, backpedaling, quite-possibly-sexist nit. So--thanks for your concern, but nope--not a fool. Almost, but not quite.

Oddly enough, I appreciate LJ much more after this whole experience. Somewhere along the line, I have detached myself from the really deeply-emotional person I used to be. I remember when CR left me, just days and days where I did nothing but go to work, then go home and sob. Seriously. And I remember thinking that I had all this empty time, all of a sudden, because suddenly there was no CR to fill every waking moment with the shrapnel of his personality, and that I didn't quite know what to do with all this space now that his drama was gone.

One of my main beefs with LJ has been that he, also, has left me all this empty time. He isn't clingy; he's the anti-Clingy, as a matter of fact, and I thought I didn't like that...til now. Til I got into two days of conversations with someone who IMed me all day, and called my cell phone three times in one night for almost no reason. I felt...crowded.

Riding to work today, I was listening to "Stars", by a band called Hum. This was a song from the summer of 1995, and I could barely listen to it for a long time after, because it was so evocative of my time with JP. I've been trying to desensitize myself from those things, a little, with varying degrees of success. Today, listening to that song, I thought about what it was like being with JP. We were inseparable. We were never apart for more than a few hours, and we always missed each other madly til we could be together again.

When I was with CR, I thought I missed that kind of bond. Since I've been with LJ, I've thought I've missed that kind of inseparability. Now, though, I think I just miss JP. He was one of a kind. And in a world where what he and I had is no longer a possibility, I've decided: I like my space. I like my downtime. I like my distance, and I have no intention of marring this balance with the prospect of some clingy interloper who, I suspect, is far more sexist at bottom than LJ and all his "bitches-and-ho's" friends.

It's not what I had, and maybe it's not what I wished for, but in its own ways it's still good. How many times do I have to have that point driven home, before I stop forgetting?