I Has Teh Tired.

(Whoops--too many lolcats again.)

Something had better give, and soon. I am not in a happy place these days; I am more in the "sleeping all day, and screw ya if you don't like it" place. This led, last night, to a beer-fueled debate with Tim regarding my emotional state. I'd put down some quotes, but I'm not trying to make anyone think badly of Tim, and taken out of context I'm sure they'd seem very cruel. Which, come to think of it, they also seemed taken IN context, except I knew why he was saying what he was saying, and how he meant it to be taken. It's difficult, though, living with someone who seems to know how you should solve all your problems, but who doesn't seem to have too much proficiency in the way of solving his own.

The gist of the argument was this:

Tim: "You need to get over JP. I know it was horrible and everything, but you can't just throw away your whole life about it."
Me: "You're right. Now, how do I do that?"
Tim: "I can't tell you. YOU have to do it."
Me: "How can I do it if I don't know how?"
Tim: "Just do whatever you feel."
Me: "I have been. What I feel involves sleeping a lot and not being terribly social."
Tim: "But that's not the answer."
Me: "Okay then--but what IS the answer?"
Tim: "I can't tell you."

This is the same debate I've gotten into with almost everyone who has ever undertaken to discuss the topic with me. Inevitably I end up wanting to take the person and shake them--okay, I KNOW what I need to do, but I have no idea how to do it!! People bat around all these terms like "closure" and "getting past it" and the rest--and THEY seem to know what they're talking about, but without exception they can't explain it to me. Which no doubt pisses THEM off just as much as me, but it's tiring enough worrying about all the legitimate things I have to worry about, without throwing in "does my emotional state make people around me angry?"

"You're not stupid!" yells Tim, and of course he's right; I'm not. But I'm profoundly bewildered. "Just express whatever emotions you feel about it," say the books and the websites and the psychologists...Okay. I'll do that, and in the meantime here's a tip: Buy stock in Kleenex products. Seriously. You'll be glad you did. And what the hell does all that "expressing" accomplish, besides giving me a profound headache, a pile of snotty tissue, and messed-up contact lenses?? Because I've done my fair share of "expressing", let me tell you, and those are the only three things that have ever come of it. I certainly don't feel any better afterwards...

I asked Dr. J about maybe changing my medication, since I don't think the Prozac has done too much for me. She suggested that I go through the process of weaning off of it and see if I feel any worse after that, and if I DO get more depressed then it's possible we should try something else. First of all: yikes. It can get WORSE? Second: I don't think I have the option of exploring any areas downhill of this one--I have a job to find, you know. I think I'll stick with the devil I know, for the moment. "Or," she said, "It may just be that the problems that are causing your depression are reality-based, and what's manifesting as depression are actually just....your feelings. In which case, no medication is going to solve it." Greeeeat. They didn't mention THAT in the patient-information pamphlet, you know: "Warning: If you actually have something to be depressed about, this medication will not help. In case of real, factual problems...well, um, sorry about that. Hope it all works out for you..."

So for the moment, here's what I've got: actual verifiable problems with no immediate solutions; a lot of people who see me as being self-indulgent; and not much of a prospect for anything that will help. This is not a bright picture I'm seeing here.

And in other news, the next person who connects ANY of my problems, real or imagined, to my weight, will get a sock in the jaw for their troubles. (I should explain here, because I don't want to be seen as being in denial about anything: I am overweight, but I am in no way incapacitated. I can still do everything that's required of me--lifting, carrying, walking, all that good stuff. I don't LOOK good--I'm not going to deny that--but it's not like I'm one of the people profiled on the Discovery Channel, the ones who have to be bodily removed from their houses by a piano-moving mechanism. I am moderately FAT. Big effin deal.) I am sick of people implying, for example, that my joblessness is connected to my weight. If that IS the case, I'd like an ACLU lawyer sent to my home immediately. And if that's NOT the case--which in at least 99% of the jobs I haven't gotten, I can say for sure--then for the sweet sake of everything, people need to STFU about it. Do these people think they're doing me any favors by pointing out that I have a weight problem? Do they think I don't have a mirror in my house? Do they think I run around through a day in a state of delusion, believing that I'm gorgeous?? I KNOW how I look. I KNOW I should do something about it. Why, when I have something I SHOULD do something about, do I have to hear about it in EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION--and don't THEY have things they're not doing, anyway?? Why am I the only one who needs to be nagged?? And how many times, I wonder, have I told these same people a flat-out truth I know about myself from long experience: The more I am nagged, the less-likely it is that I will do the thing I'm being nagged to do. When people just leave me alone, I generally take care of things on my own. I can't count the number of times I've said this to people, and yet they persist. "Oh, but they're only saying this because they care..." That may be true--but from the time I was a PERFECTLY NORMAL CHILD, I've heard about my weight. If, perhaps, anyone around me had had a sense of proportion and normality when I was younger, maybe I might have had the bodily intelligence to recognize when I actually WAS gaining weight, instead of just assuming "oh, I'm fat anyway, so what's another few pounds?" Maybe this could have been stopped before it became a problem, hm?

I realize this has turned into a tirade about my weight, which probably indicates that I feel worse about it than I actually do. What I want is simple: for all these well-intentioned people to worry, just for a change, about the things that are REALLY bothering me, instead of adding even WORSE self-esteem to the pile. JP didn't die because I was fat. I didn't get fired for being fat. I'm not in danger of losing the house because I eat too much. The only thing that MAY be correct is that possibly I've accepted bad relationships because of my weight--but you know what? I've accepted bad relationships because I FELT BAD about my weight--except I'm not the one who harped on it to the point that it became an issue! When you hear something from many different sources, it becomes a fact--doesn't anyone recognize that? If you tell a kid "you're overweight, you're too heavy, you're fat" from the time they're THREE YEARS OLD--what do you think the kid is going to grow up thinking of herself? What kind of value do you think that child is going to have for her own judgements about her appearance? "I think I look fine, but everyone around me says I don't. I must be wrong."

And so now they've got evidence: they're right. Bully for them. Hurray for the power of suggestion. THIS is why I don't want to have kids--because supposedly well-intentioned words and actions can lead to shit like THIS.

My weight is not THE problem. My weight is A problem; the larger problem is how the people around me focus on THAT, instead of much larger problems that need much more attention. Is it any wonder I'm tired of people???