Updates On the Drama

So. Um. welll...
Yeah, I've talked to CR again. Several times, in fact, and a few e-mails too. I'm still conflicted--as Tim says, "the more you talk to him, the better the chances he can get you to believe his bullshit and suck you back in" and he's right...

...but honestly, I DO miss the arrogant little bastard.

I'd LIKE to say I don't miss the sex. That would be the safest way to feel, but unfortunately that's not a form of willpower I can muster up; there were times in that relationship when the sex was just fanTAStic. Usually it was when he was sneaking around WITH me, instead of sneaking around ON me. When we were in a relationship, that was when it fell apart, generally. I am aware of this, and can judge my own thoughts accordingly--or, as I told Firefly, "Just because I don't hate him anymore, that doesn't mean I have to fuck him." And he's safely several hundred miles away, at any rate, so the point is even more moot than usual.

So yeah, even though I miss that, I miss other things more. There was a point the other night, when we'd been talking for about two hours already, that we got into one of our typical grooves of conversation--I only half-remember what it even was we were talking about--but we were both yelling at the top of our voices, agreeing with each other, trying to top each others' proof of whatever fact or opinion we were discussing...It was like the best of our entire time together. I told him, "THIS is what I miss, dude. Not the bullshit, and not the stupid stuff you did, and not even the 'relationship' part of the relationship--I miss THESE conversations more than anything. I miss arguing with you about stuff. I miss watching the news with you at night." (That was one of our loudest times of the day, the 9 PM news; we were both firecracker-quick to become outraged, particularly at our state and city governments, and there was a great deal of shouting at the television that always went on between the headline and the weather forecast.)

We talked, too, about some of the lies he told. There was one in particular that he'd completely forgotten; when I reminded him of it, he got very quiet. "Oh, god. I did that, didn't I," he said. It wasn't a question; it was a realization of yet another moment in which he'd made some evil choices. "God," he said. It took him a while to get back to the normal way he defends himself from those memories--calling himself an asshole, telling me how sorry he was, how he never meant to hurt me--those are his defenses. I always knew, when he was silent, that my words had REALLY hit home. He'd totally forgotten this lie, and I think he was happier forgetting it. He says, though, that he wants to face it; well, then, face it all, asshole, is my way of looking at things.

Part of me is nervous, thinking that these conversations are leading to someplace I don't want them to go--places that I know it's in my best interests to stay away from. As Tim said last night, "G, you're on such a good track lately--your life is going so well, and even if it isn't exactly what you planned maybe it's more of a blessing that it ended up this way...But don't let him come back and crap on you some more. He could fuck that alllll up, if he came back and tried to do the same shit. And you know he will--you know he's not going to change." (Curiously, CR says the same of Tim. Since their falling-out a few years ago, back when we lived together, there's been a competition, open and full of contempt, as to which of them can most-effectively "protect" me from the other one. CR says Tim is a user; Tim says CR is a womanizing bastard. CR says Tim will never grow up and be a man; Tim says CR will never stop lying and cheating. To a certain extent, they're both right about each other; the only one they're mostly wrong about is me. I'm sure each of them thinks it's their noble hearts and gallantry that lead them to want to "save" me from the other; I am the only one who knows what the motivation really is. All their posturing and protecting, all their teeth-baring and snarling display of loyalty, is really only the same old competition between them that there's ever been--a competition that existed long before I came on the scene. I know a pissing contest when I see one.)

But about one thing Tim is right--if I let CR back in my life, I'd damn well better be prepared to reap the whirlwind. And frankly, right now my life IS in a very good place. I just found out that, owing to my electrical problems, my building manager has finagled me an eternal rent-freeze; that would be good enough, but before he freezes it he's actually CUTTING my rent for next year by almost $150/month, when all is said and done. The truck is paid off, my bills are slightly more-manageable, and I'm at the end of a contract for a cell-phone I don't really need, now that LJ is gone. In short, I'm on the very brink of getting my shit together; letting Chaos Personified back in the door would be a very, very stupid thing to do....

...even if I DO remember long nights of conversation, of laughing and smoking and sex, silly inside jokes that, for just a moment, put me in mind of how happy I was with JP. I wanted to tell CR that, actually; wanted to tell him Do you remember those first few weeks we were starting to get together, before I found out you were still living with Mona? Do you remember that night that you and I and Sofia drove through the city, and I showed you where JP and I had lived together, and all the holy places I remembered, and we listened to Pink Floyd in the car and then we all three went up to Sofia's parents' place and looked out over the skyline? There was a time there when I thought you were who you said you were; when I thought you were honest, that what you told me was the truth, and all the promises you made. And I felt like finally, finally, after two long years, that the world was coming back into place for me again, that I was resuming the life I'd made for myself with JP. Not that I expected you to replace him, but I thought that you were more like me than...well, than you were. I thought that you were telling me the truth, and we would be together, and there would be another wild round of creativity and fucking and madness and HAPPINESS. And then Mona kicked down that motel door, and told me what you'd said about me, and all those hopes and everything we could have been came down the motel stairs with me like a cloud of mist, and I got into the car and drove away and promised you I'd never come back. Except, of course, I DID...

That was my mistake. I know that now--that when I promised him I'd never return, I promised myself as well. And I've never been good at keeping promises I've made to myself. To others, yes; but not to me.

Which is why I worry when I promise myself: This is as far as I will let it go. The nicest thing about it, of course, is that implicit in THAT promise is another one, one that would be infinitely harder for me to break: I promised myself, and then told CR as well: There will be NO more lying to me nor to anyone else; no more manipulation of me nor of anyone else. And if that happens--if your need to feel in control leads you to "protect" me, or anyone else through a lie, and I find out about it (and believe me, I will find out)-- you WILL have no one to blame but yourself. In short: THIS IS YOUR FINAL, FINAL, FINAL FINAL CHANCE.


And this: ...if (being) the better person means I have to make sure you don't hurt me or anyone else, then I will go to any lengths. To protect ME, yes--but after that, to protect other people who maybe don't yet know how badly you can hurt them. Or those who DO know, but who for whatever reason, can't defend themselves.) Now, if you want to just be a normal person and come real with it--tell her the truth, tell me the truth, pick a side and stick with it instead of always looking for something better--then this won't be a problem.


I will not be hurt again. But neither will I be a part of hurting someone else. That was always a source of guilt for me; knowing that I had been "the other woman"--at first, yes, unknowingly--BUT: I stayed and kept trying EVEN AFTER I KNEW. Because I thought he was mine--he'd told me as much--but he'd told Mona as much too. I won't go down that road again. If that means I have to cut him out of my life again, then so be it; I just....I have enough bad karma already.

So yeah--it's been complicated. I miss him, yes. Do I still love him on some level? Probably a little bit, yeah. I'm not a light-switch, and as he and I always said: "indifference", not "hate", is the opposite of "love". I have never been purely indifferent to him, as much as I have tried.

But: am I going to let him get close enough to hurt me again?? Not if I can help it; I can only hope that knowledge is good enough. Because despite how all this might sound to those who know me only through this medium? I DO know better. I know MUCH better than to make the same mistake again. I honestly think that I can be his friend--from a distance--and not let it go any further.

(But it surely wouldn't hurt if some magnificently-hot guy were to turn up right about now; that would certainly simplify matters quite a lot.)

Anyway. Everything else in my life is...awesome, really. Once I get the REAL 'puter all up and running again, I'll scan in some of my latest drawings. I've found that vodka + boredom + conte crayons = some really cool artwork!