Cautious Optimism

I'm not sick. I'm nervous as hell, but not sick.

It's the last day of my vacation, which I totally wasted and which I never want to repeat again, as long as I live. I feel like I've seen the light, so to speak, and if I can just stay not-sick, I will never touch heroin again. It has no allure for me now; the only hold it's got is physical, and if I can break that bond I feel like I can put heroin out of my life forever.

I nearly told LJ today that I'd relapsed. My therapist asked me if LJ knew that I was using again, and I told her no. She said "Why don't you bring him into your little network of support, someone to lean on who can stop you from using?" I told her why: "I'm afraid he'd leave if he knew," I said. He's got friends whose girlfriends have drug problems--crack, heroin, pills, the works--and he has very little respect for them. I don't want him to lose respect for me like that, for one thing, and I don't want to lose him. I don't know for sure that he'd leave, but I don't want to misjudge and lose him forever. It's certainly not the most traditional relationship in the world, but I do know he loves me and wants to do right by me; I just don't know what his limit would be, what would be the dealbreaker. I know he's proud of me--I'm different than his friends' girls, and he tells me often how his friends comment about it--and I don't want to lose that.

The strange thing is, I feel so normal sometimes. If I'm not thinking about my problem, I feel like a normal person with normal concerns. That's the thing I look forward to most of all--having my old life back. Except it won't be my old life--it will be my old life plus an understanding of how valuable that "normal" life is. I will be grateful for that undetstanding. No matter how depressed I was, no matter how sad or lonely or bored, I would rather be depressed, sad, lonely or bored and SOBER than be an addict again. And if I can just break through the physical part of this addiction, I will remind myself of that every single day.

I can't wait until I'm sure I'm free of the threat of withdrawal. I have learned so much from this stupid mistake, and I know it's made me stronger. I'm ready to move on with my life, and once I know for sure that I'm not going to be sick, I'm ready to get started.

I'm glad this vacation is over...but I'm going to miss sitting at home and watching PBS kids' cartoons all day. They make me happy. I don't think it's a longing for a simpler time or anything like that; I actually think there's a piece of me which has never progressed far beyond the age of ten. And honestly, I like it that way. It beats the latest plot twists on "Days of Our Lives", I'm sure; my mom got me hooked on that show at one point, back when I was living at home, and it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever encountered. Exorcisms? Evil twins? People who age from infancy to child-bearing age within six years??? Yeah, I'll take "Arthur" and "Between the Lions" any day!!

But tomorrow: back to work. Urgh.