Out of the Woods

I hereby declare myself officially Out Of The Woods as regards the possibility of dopesickness. For the first time all week, my appetite is back and my stomach is not upset; in short, I feel very very normal. Better than normal, actually, because it's devoid of the nervousness and fear that has characterized the past few days. I didn't ask them to increase my methadone dose today, also for the first time since this all started, and I was a bit apprehensive, but apparently I'm going to be all right (although I don't plan to push it by sleeping late--I'll be at the clinic promptly at 8 tomorrow, same as every other day.)

And, as I've said repeatedly throughout this whole experience: I'm done with heroin. This past few weeks have been really hard for me--more physically than mentally. I have almost zero tolerance for discomfort, when it comes down to it; I'm the sort of person who yelps when she stubs her toe, or cusses up a storm when she gets a paper cut. I'm an absolute infant when I get a cold or the flu; I'll hole up on the sofa with a blanket and a box of kleenex, looking pitiful, at the first sign of a sniffle. Maybe I see it as compensation for my mental strength--like if I have to be so emotionally strong, I can be a wuss about physical pain, or something. And dopesickness is the worst--because it's both physical and mental, and because it can so easily be postponed. I don't ever want to go through that again.

It's more than that, though. I can't entirely explain what the rest of it is; I'm only now beginning to understand it myself--but I know I want to leave it behind.

I am thrilled just to feel hungry again; thrilled not to worry about whether or not I'm going to be sick. It's nice to have my brain free for other things--even if it's just watching "Annie" on TV and playing that damn word game.

I'm happy. That's the long and short of it--I'm happy.