Unemployment Day Whatever: Blame It On the Tryptophan

I've been so busy enjoying all the things I'm thankful for, that I haven't taken the time to blog about them. If it wasn't for the sheer financial terror I'm verging on at the moment, I'd be probably the happiest I've been in years. I hate how much I love this unemployment thing, honestly--it just suits me TOO well. One more incentive to become a famous writer, I guess...

I have an interview Tuesday, for (of all things) a technical writing position. I'm hopeful, but not terribly hopeful; first, I have minimal experience; and second, it's in the financial sector, about which I know so little as to be almost laughable. But I -do- know how to write, so I'm hoping I can squeak my way through the door on that basis.

Other than that, it's been remarkably quiet on the job-search front, and though I'm sure at least SOME of that has to do with the holiday, it's still scary. My last severance check comes next week; then I have to COBRA my health insurance, for $300+ a month. That's scary, and I suddenly find myself understanding the whole health-care crisis a little better than I'd ever wanted to. I'd forego it if I dared, but I absolutely don't dare, especially with the probable need of a second sleep study in the next few weeks. This whole business of being human is a strain, I'll tell you. A body is a hard machine to have to maintain!

Nobody right now knows that more than Debbi, my friend who had the gastric-bypass; after a fairly-uneventful first three weeks of recovery, she went back into the hospital yesterday morning (yes, Thanksgiving morning!) because she couldn't keep any food or water down. Turns out she had some sort of blockage, probably related to the gastric bypass, and the last I heard she was going into surgery early this afternoon; I'm waiting for an update from Cowgirl on her condition. I saw her Wednesday, when I did her grocery shopping for her; aside from feeling nauseated, she seemed okay. Listening to her story, though, of everything leading up to and after the original surgery, I've decided that I will never allow myself to get to the point where I see that as my only option. My health right now is good, especially considering my weight, and I'd like to keep it that way.

In other news, the situation with Tim is going just fine. This is a lot like when we originally shared an apartment, back in 1999, when we had the studio together. We got along great, really, back then; it was only when CR came into the picture that things got screwed up. CR would tell Tim one thing, tell me something else, and carry tales back and forth, all the while making it nearly impossible for Tim and I to get together and compare what each of us was hearing from CR about the other. CR moved into the studio with us for the last six weeks we were there, and then the three of us got a 3-bedroom apartment together; that was when things really went downhill, and by the time that lease was up, Tim and I really weren't speaking. It was sad; since CR's been gone, Tim and I have talked at length about that time, and figured out how much instigating was being done, how many lies were being told to each of us. It was ridiculous--yet another reason to despise CR, which both Tim and I now do. I'd forgotten about the time in the studio, and how much fun we had there; it's good to be back in that kind of situation again.

Mom and I spent Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family again, which was really nice as always. They're such fun, relaxed, inclusive, non-judgemental people, and even the ones I don't like that much are WORLDS better than the cousins on my mom's side. I didn't realize, though, til it was time to leave for dinner, that Tim had no plans for the holiday; after a short conference, Mom and I have tweaked our Christmas plans to include Tim. I'm impressed that she'd do that; she's impressed at what I'm doing. Even Mom and I have been getting along lately, which is a hell of a lot better than it used to be!

LJ called a few days ago, telling me he was coming home around the first of the month. THAT's going to be an interesting conversation; I still haven't told him that Tim's moved in, and LJ seems to think he's going to be staying here for a few days before he goes back. He may be in town for a few days, but I very much doubt he's going to be staying in THIS house! I'll be glad when that's over, once and for all, though it's opening another door I don't want opened; one of my neighbors, perceptive soul that he is, has noticed that LJ hasn't been around for a couple of months, and has started testing the waters to see if I'd be interested in something with him. Which...um, no. Really, no. In fact? HELL no. No more perpetually jobless men--that's my promise to myself.

I still miss JP. Thanksgiving is one of the hardest times of the year for thinking about him; even before we were officially together, we had Thanksgiving memories, from the year my old roomie and I had a full turkey-and-stuffing Thanksgiving dinner for our friends, in the apartment we shared when I met JP. He was there, I remember. And then our first Thanksgiving together, a few days after I'd left my mom's house, we sat in his mother's kitchen away from everyone else in the world, and we made chicken tacos together while our families gathered elsewhere, without us. We were all the family we needed, that year. I didn't know that our first Thanksgiving together would also be our last; a year later, I spent Thanksgiving in North Carolina with Firefly, because JP had died three weeks before and I couldn't bear to be in Chicago for another minute. My memories of those days--the days with JP, and even the first raw days of disbelief without him--are still sharp. Driving home last night, I heard a song on the radio which I remembered from that time, and I smiled a little; maybe it's a good sign that I can smile at all, when thinking about him. While I can't say I miss him less, I'm handling it a little better. I think about last Thanksgiving--I'd gone back onto the clinic the Wednesday of Thanksgiving week, after waking up dopesick and realizing how much trouble I was in, again...I'm most thankful that my life is different now. I'm thankful for the people who have stood by me through it all, and for the people who have made me smile in the meantime. I'm thankful for my cats, even though Snick is trying to make me insanely jealous by sleeping on Tim's bed instead of mine a couple of nights this week. I'm thankful for Tim, and Debbi, and Cowgirl, and Firefly, and all the people who are still a part of my life--often despite my best efforts. I'm realizing that I'm not always a very good friend; I lose touch with people, withdraw into my shell, miss enormous chunks of other peoples' lives. I've lost a lot of really great friends that way.

I'm thankful for the simple pleasures in life--purring cats, fleece blankets, a bowl of oatmeal. I'm thankful for cable TV, even when Comcast charges me an arm, a leg, and a fairly large number of toes for it. I'm thankful for my house--I could just write that a hundred times and it wouldn't even convey how grateful I am for this tumble-down slope-floored, peeling-walls place. I'll love it til the roof caves in on me (which could be sooner than later, but who knows?) I'm thankful for whatever made me the way I am, so that I can watch the hours of ads for things I supposedly can't live without and not be swayed into believing it. I'm thankful for whatever made me thankful, actually, because even THAT feels good. I'm thankful for antidepressants, methadone, friends, psychologists, blogs, and kittens, because all of them have had some hand in keeping me sane this year, and in getting me better. I'm thankful for, if slightly bewildered by, the fact that people seem to find my ramblings interesting; I don't get it, myself, but I certainly won't complain.

Mostly I'm thankful for my basic optimism and my belief that everything will eventually work out all right, because if I didn't have that, I'd feel a little bit more terrified right now than I actually am. And if I don't hear something in a few days, I'm going to go ahead and be terrified anyway. Cross your fingers, everyone...and have a turkey sammich for me, too. Did I mention that I'm thankful for you guys, too? Because I am, very much. I hope you all had a good holiday.