I think I would be a much different person if only I lost the self-restraint that keeps me from throwing things when I really want to.
I was sitting watching TV today--or rather, listening to TV, since I was flipping around through the cable music channels all the way at the end of the list--and I realized: ten years ago I thought I would be someone, be doing some amazing important thing right now. And now I'm 34 years old, broke, lonely, trapped in a job that I despise, doing absolutely nothing of any importance at all...and I don't know what to do about it. I could change jobs, but it wouldn't change the root cause of why I hate this job--I'd still be at someone else's mercy, still dealing with someone else's whims and judgements. I could change relationships but it still wouldn't live up to my memories.
And sitting there, listening to Smashing Pumpkins, changing channels, I thought of all the waste and all the loss, all the time that's passed without making any progress, all the energy and money I've spent getting nowhere at all--becoming, in fact, something my ten-years-ago self would despise, something I despise even now...
My hand just itched to throw that remote through the wall--just whip it at something, just to hear the smash. Just to take revenge for one small moment, just to lash out against all that time and all that waste. And I couldn't even do that. Too much self-restraint; too many years of conditioning, short-circuiting my muscles. Too much "what's the point?"
I am so damn tired.
i know what you mean. i only woke up about an hour ago and i keep telling myself it's because i've been sick all week. then why was i up 'til 7:30am, playing a video game?
ReplyDeleteit's amazing that our remote control still works after the many times i've flung it across the room. the other night it was a bottle of antacids. i was so angry that my arm shot out before i had a chance to aim at the wall, and hit Brian in the ankle--hard.
unfortunately, nothing's changed.
Oh, let's not even get me STARTED on the whole body-clock thing. I would be so much more well-adjusted if I could find a job where I could come in at 10 or 11 and go home at 6 or 7 PM. I am a NIGHT PERSON and I resent like hell the corporate insistence on being all fucking perky at obscene and unnatural hours. My boss told me the other day that I have to sound HAPPIER when I answer the phone--even if it's an internal call. I wanted to say "Listen, bitch, with the way I'm treated around here you're lucky I answer the fucking phone at ALL, let alone try to sound HAPPY about it. Which, might I add, I am uniformly NOT."
ReplyDeleteAlas, that conditioning thing kicked in again, dammit, and I just took the criticism like the wuss that I am.
Like you, I'm 34. I have made zero progress in this whole life malarkey & often wonder why I bother. I do & will continue to bother though because hope springs eternal, I guess. I HOPE>
ReplyDeleteI feel you, Barb...they hardly even let me up to pee. :P
ReplyDeleteNo one's said anything about sounding happy, thankfully.
I suck in the morning, but usually people who don't piss off early - ever notice that?!