Diagnosis: Lack of Car

LJ is out of town again.



(Aside: I find it oddly entertaining that I'll gleefully blog all sorts of wrathful babblings about work that, if found, would easily get me Dooced--yet I'll be extra-circumspect in speaking about LJ's doings. Then again, my job won't get me locked up.)



He rented a car--which promptly broke down somewhere along the south end of I-55, much to his annoyance. This left me with the Be-Damned Truck, which has :::finding wood to knock::: been behaving much less damnably lately. And it was today, on the way home from work, that I discovered what's been bringing me down lately: the lack of freedom.



When he's in town, even on the days I have the car, I feel honor-bound to come straight home as fast as possible, making the bare minimum number of stops, because I know he's here waiting for the truck so he can go make some money. I don't mind, but it takes all the fun out of driving, knowing that I'm going straight home and the next time I leave will be to go back to work.



Today? I puttered. I stopped like, six different places. If I hadn't been so damn hungry, I would have stayed out longer.



It felt GREAT. It was so much fun. I didn't realize how much I missed that feeling of freedom, til I was driving down Western with "I Do Not Want This" blasting from the speakers. I felt about eight years younger.



I've begin to understand something about the nature of my new life. I love LJ, a lot, but I also accept that he will never know as much about me as I wish he did. He will always have a very limited concept of who I am, which is kinda sad. He misses some of the things I like best about myself, and it makes me sad that there's never a real context for him to see those things--that all he sees are the bits that fit into the "Den Mother To The Thugs" persona that's developed since we moved in here together.



But then I think about a conversation I overheard between him and Damian one night--the night Damian's girl was here for the first time.



"There's some shit I just don't bring her around," he said, meaning me--"because I know if she saw that side of me, she wouldn't wanna be with me anymore."



I don't think he was right, nor do I think he'd leave me if he saw my "other side"--I do wonder, though, what happened to him that made him so very cautious. I don't know if I'll ever find out.



I miss having my own car, true enough....but when he's not around, I miss LJ even more.