A Dilemma, of Sorts

Anonymous blogging has been the salvation of my existence, really, and I'm not quite exaggerating when I say that. Under my nom de blog, I've been able to write about my family, my relationships, and my former job with impunity, and to talk freely about things which I would never be able to say under my real name. It's been, at times, the only voice I've had, a sorely-needed safety valve during some pretty sour moments.

Along the way a funny thing has happened; Gladys the blogger has developed a distinct personality of her own. She's been described as "feisty", which is not an adjective that would ever be applied to my real-life persona. In real life I'm shy, non-assertive, opinionated as hell, but only when no one can hear me; I back off from confrontations and avoid uncomfortable interactions--which is to say, all of them. Gladys is...well, feisty. Gladys is the person I always imagine myself to be when I'm behind the wheel of my car, which, since I've been old enough to drive, has always been the time I've felt most powerful. Gladys is an echo of the woman I was when I was with JP, strong and capable and unafraid.

No one in my real life, except Firefly, knows of Gladys's existence. LJ is oblivious, which is fine with me, I guess; I wouldn't want him reading this, but I wish he cared enough to be nosy. There was a close call with one of my new co-workers; I found his name in the comment section of one of the posts at Eric Zorn's blog the day after EZ quoted my post about Aria's death--and I'd left work the day before telling everyone I had a sick cat!! He didn't make the connection, though, and as of today he's no longer a co-worker. (That's another story, probably another post.) But other than that, my real life and Gladys's electronic life only intersect in one place: me.

I am tempted, however, to change that very slightly.

The Brit was away on vacation for a week, and Monday when he returned he told me that while they were on vacation, he'd proposed to his longtime girlfriend and she'd accepted. I swallowed the chunks of my broken heart long enough to congratulate him (sincerely--he seems mostly happy with her, and that's the important thing) and then we went back to our usual chatter and subversion. I still flirt a little, of course, but that's what I do with most of my male friends; it's just playful, mixed in with all the real conversation. Mostly now we talk about current events, my old workplace, politics and philosophy--same as always, really.

Every month, Eric Zorn (from the Tribune) does a month-in-review piece in his blog, Change of Subject. The bloggers he recruits as contributors have traditionally been more the news-oriented or political bloggers. But apparently he's trying to expand that somewhat, because this past week I was invited to contribute for the month-in-review at the end of September. And of course, I'm going to seize the opportunity; despite the largely-personal tone of this blog, I'm really a huge news nerd.

Which brings me to my dilemma. I would love love love for the Brit to know about this. I would love for him to be able to read my musings on the news and politics in a forum more prestigious than our little e-mail correspondence. (Yeah, I'm vain. I never said I wasn't.) But to make that possible, I'd have to tell him about Gladys. And if he knows about Gladys, he'll be able to find this blog; and if he finds this blog, he'll know about my huge unrequited crush.

I don't think it matters, exactly; after all, he's officially engaged now and that's a big hands-off, in my way of thinking; "dating" is one thing, but "engaged"...well, that's like "we really mean it!" And now that it's officially impossible, I'd be less embarrassed about having my crush revealed. But the point of this type of pseudonymous writing is that NOBODY knows who you are; I was conflicted enough about letting ONE person know the existence of my blog. (Not because I don't trust Firefly--she knows all my gory details anyway, up to and including an unfortunate wardrobe moment back in college involving dark-colored striped underwear and light-colored polka-dot shorts, and if she hasn't ever blackmailed me with THAT story, she's worthy of my eternal trust.) But just because I want to be free to write about EVERYTHING...which is why I'm hesitant to bring the Brit into the little nest I've built here. After all--what if I one day decide I'm NOT over it? Or what if my continued carnivorous ways bring him to the end of his patience and he spitefully reveals my true identity shortly after we end our friendship in a hail of accusations and invective? (Okay, that would never actually happen--he's not an evangelical vegan, though he has tried to persuade me of the error of my ways--but you see what I mean. The more people know who Gladys is, the less control I have of my anonymity.)

But I really really really would love for him to know about my Zorn contribution, when it happens; I'm just really proud to have been asked. And it's just the sort of thing he and I discuss all the time, so I think he'd be impressed.

I suppose I could tell him about it and exact a promise that he won't click on any links or do any Googling or try to investigate anything else about it; he's an honorable guy, and I'm sure if he promised, he'd follow through.

Still, it seems risky. Fortunately, I've got a month or so to think about it. Opinions, anyone?