So, as I half-suspected, the past few days worth of despair has been brought to me by the letters P, M, and S. What fun. After 20 years with PCOS, where if I didn't take my pills I'd go six, eight, ten months without a visit from "Auntie Flo"--now, all of a sudden everything's "normal". I didn't know gallbladder surgery had any effect on the female reproductive system, but evidently that shows how much I know. At any rate, I'm clearly not used to this being-a-woman stuff yet.
I'm not, even in the throes of PMS, generally susceptible to superstition. I sometimes wonder if my skepticism hasn't cost me; my less-cynical friends talk of visitations from beyond, long-dead relatives or even strangers who speak to them sometimes. And while I don't laugh at them--who knows what is or isn't true?--I don't necessarily believe, either.
So I can't exactly explain what happened to me last night; I especially can't quite explain it because to explain exactly how it came about would be a clear case of Too Much Information. Let's just say that last night was 14 years to the day since I met JP, and last night as I lay in bed feeling all alone and sorry for myself I had...a vision, I guess I'd call it if I weren't such a damn skeptic; as a damn skeptic I'll just call it a memory, I guess, though that doesn't quite do the power of it justice; because suddenly I was hit by the sharpest grief I can remember ever feeling for him, and when I started crying it was totally uncontrolled, the kind of sobs with the ugly little squeaking noises in them, the kind you can't throttle back on even if you try.
A memory with odd and extremely coincidental timing, because when I opened my eyes a moment later and blinked away the tears for a second, I noticed the clock:
11:10. JP's time of death.
I didn't sleep too well last night; it took forever to drift off, and morning came too soon. I've figured out a lot over the past two days, not all of it comforting or comfortable. I don't like who I've become, and the trend seems to be heading in the wrong direction.
I think I need to make some changes, and I'm not completely sure of what they are.
I don't think of it as superstitious; I think of it at intuitive.
ReplyDeleteBeing skeptical myself, I think visions are our subconscious' way of slapping us upside the head and screaming, "PAY ATTENTION!"
ReplyDeleteYou've been in a funk and feeling that something's "off" in your life. JP comes to you on a date and specific time that have deep meanings for you. The chances are good that you won't simply write off the funky mood to PMS anymore. You'll be more likely to take the thoughts that you need a change seriously.
That doesn't make it any less real or powerful, though...
I think I agree with Dida. I straddle the skeptic fence, but whether it was a message from the "beyond" or simply your brain gathering existing information and assigning it some external meaning, I think someone's trying to tell you something...
ReplyDeleteChange sucks, though, doesn't it.
g,
ReplyDeletei'm gonna go out here on a limb -
i've heard JP come up a lot lately
probably you're processing what you couldn't earlier and that's good,
but maybe part of this and your feeling of uneasiness is that you're missing being in a relationship with an intellectual match. being able to bond w/ a partner on an intimate AND intellectual level is what you had with him and what's missing in current "man-without-a-pulse".
of course you don't feel like yourself; you're not indulging in any of what makes you monster.
my advice? go flirt in some chat rooms w/ people who stimulate your brain and social consciousness
and get out some femo clay for christ's sakes!
you have to nurture that Gness- that creative spirit who needs to paint everything that doesn't move
*ding* Aaaaaaand Firefly gets the square.
ReplyDelete(The man sits still a lot--maybe I should paint him?)
Not helping, the Brit was on vacation this week. So my intellectual-flirtation outlet was blocked, too.
I think you've all got pieces of it, though. The memory/vision/visitation/whatever it was really rattled me....it was just so eerie.