Sorry it's been so quiet here. To be perfectly honest, I haven't been doing so well.
I don't know what it is, exactly, but nothing seems to make me happy. And if THAT's not the whiniest GenX slacker sentence I've ever typed...but it's true. And it's not so much my own life that's doing it--at least I don't think it is--but I'm just so tired of this world. I'm tired of wanton cruelty and petty remarks on the radio; I'm tired of divisions and balkanization. I'm tired of the same constant hamster-wheel of competing hatreds and you're-wrong-no-you're-wrong that characterizes 99% of public discourse. I know I'm just as guilty of having opinions as the rest; I remember I used to be a much nicer person. I'm tired of interacting with human beings, mainly, because lately it seems like we're all much crappier to each other than we used to be. Mostly I just want to go to sleep.
I used to think, when I heard about people who "couldn't live with their past", that it was because they were ashamed of things they'd done. But I think I understand a little better now; now I think maybe sometimes it's not so much shame, as not wanting to remember the time when they were happy, because they don't know how to be happy like that anymore and they're scared it will never happen again.
I'm tired of it all and I know I should be happy. I have a job and it's not the stupid abusive environment I was in before; everyone here is nice and they mostly seem to like me, though I haven't the least idea why. I'm well-paid and I have more than 99% of people on this earth; I'm healthy and not starved and my drinking water isn't laden with microbes and I'm not subjected to torture or imprisonment for my beliefs, and most of the people in the world would be wildly envious of me.
But in spite of that, all I want to do every day is come home and pull the blankets over my head, and all I want to do in the morning when I wake up is to go back to sleep. I'm sure it looks like laziness from the outside; it's not. I am excruciatingly conscious of the many things I need to do or should be doing or even, in some cases, want to do. I manage to do the things I need to do--barely--but the rest falls by the wayside. And that, to me, is not a life. I don't know what it is, but it's not a life.
Wow. That was a downer--even for me, and I'm the one writing it. Jeez.
We've all been there Gladys, you have my sympathy for how you're currently feeling.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you'll soon have the wind back in your sails.
I understand you very well, Gladys. You're going through a lot.
ReplyDeleteLet's have a little perspective...you've just changed jobs and you've just lost your beloved cat! You're quite probably stressed out...if it continues it could be depression...but for now, it just may be that you need to adjust to the changes you are going through.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could drag you on vacation with me! We'd go to the San Diego zoo and to the beaches and we wouldn't have to interact with intelligent life at all.
But, seriously, is there any way you can take a break of some kind, even a mini retreat?
It also COULD be PMS, which I realized last night as I caught myself crying at a particularly sappy commercial, which only seems to happen at certain points in the month.
ReplyDeleteI'm giving myself to Monday to indulge this little mood of mine; after that, the Iron Will of Gladys returns. Because lack of productivity just blows.
What's worse is the low level of self awareness they walk around with . . . while they know more about their celebrities than the inner world of their own lives.
ReplyDeletePerhaps your mood is, ironically, a matter of your success. Think about the goals you've set and accomplished over the past few years. How long have you been trying to get out of your last job? You've mentioned on this blog that your last job helped you to purchase your house, but the job outlived its usefulness. Now that you've moved the next step, it's almost a let-down.
ReplyDeleteTake a break because you've earned it. Then, focus on the next goal that has been lurking in the background all along: the book.
Maybe everything surrounding the book is part of the problem, too. I mean, if you spend a lot of time on it and it doesn't work out, then what? Or if it really works out well, then everything that you've become comfortable with could go away. You're a good enough writer that it's definitely worth the effort.
I've totally been where you are at. Where it takes all the effort in the world to get out of bed, take a shower and go to the store to get ice cream in which to drown your sorrows.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something nice to make you feel better, but, at least for me, when I get that way, nothing anyone can say does much. It's a funk you have to get through yourself.
But here's a little something that I use:
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."
"Since everything is a reflection of our minds, everything can be changed by our minds."
-The Buddha
Indulge in some Haagan Daaz, start making plans for a holiday somewhere (think big - it's more fun that way), and drop The Brit a casually flirtatious email.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has these phases, particularly after going through as much as you've been going through lately. It'll be better soon. I promise.