Naptime, Please??

Oh my god, I could NOT be more tired.

I am at that state of sleepiness where I actually feel nauseated and dizzy, and each of my eyelids weighs seven pounds.

The caffeine is not helping. I question whether even crystal meth would help THIS level of tiredness. I am so tired that I had to cancel my plans for tonight and change them to tomorrow.

What plans, you ask? Well...

I try not to bitch too much about my weight here on the blog--after all, it's one of those things I SHOULD be able to control (and I would, too, if there wasn't so much delicious food in the world!)--but it's been a problem for most of the past ten years. I got a taste of being skinny back when I was an addict--I was a size 11 for the first time since I was in grade school--and I liked it. I've lost some weight in the past few months, mainly after my surgery, but there's still plenty more to go.

So yesterday I went and joined one of those women's gyms, and today after work I was supposed to have my orientation and first workout. I called and changed it to tomorrow. We shall see how THAT goes. (I'm skeptical. And I don't want any overly-chirpy staff trying to "support" or "motivate" me, either. The things that would give me support, the things that would motivate me, are so internal to me that I don't talk about them to close friends, let alone chirpy strangers (although I do post them on a blog where strangers--chirpy or non-chirpy--can read and ponder. So...go figure, or something.))

One of the main reasons I'm so tired, however, belies my comment from last night about LJ. It's uncanny, really; all I have to do is make a dissatisfied comment about the relationship, even in a forum he's completely unaware of, and he suddenly makes some move to pull his ass out of the fire.

Last night I stayed in my air-conditioned room, switching back and forth between "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Rock Star, INXS" while soaking my feet and giving myself a manicure and pedicure. I was perfectly contented, really; but while my nail polish was drying I started to think of tasks that needed doing. So instead of going to bed, I stayed up til about 11, vacuuming the bedroom, moving furniture, etc.

Around 1:00 I was sleeping soundly when LJ came to bed. I always wake up at least a bit when he comes in; generally, though, he rolls over and starts snoring right away. Not last night, though...last night he was feeling chatty.

After bringing me up to date on the latest in the neverending Chronicles of Maywood--he knew both the victim and the shooter in the latest murder there--he told me what he'd been up to before coming home; he and Marcus and K were apparently sitting around drinking and talking all night. "About the real shit," he clarified. And he went on for a while about how the three of them were different from all their other friends; that what they had in common was that all three of them have good women in their corner. Marcus's girl has stayed with him even when he had nothing; K is still with his high-school girlfriend, so they've been through all types of stuff together. And then there's me..."And I told 'em, 'I love my girl and all...I mean, I don't know if she knows it or not, but....'" (This is apparently the only way he can say it, which...yeah, okay, not ideal, whatever--but I'd rather hear it like that than not at all. Which is pretty much what I told him when he said it--"Well, put it this way--it's nice to HEAR it once in a while," I said. I have to keep reminding myself: I'm only his second real girlfriend. Though that doesn't excuse his cluelessness, to a point it DOES explain it.)

He went on, and the general gist of the conversation was how much he really does appreciate me and what we've got. And again: that's nice to hear.

By the time I got to sleep, it was probably about 3 A.M. (hey, it wasn't ALL conversation...) and then I got up at 7. I feel better about LJ....but ohhhhh man, I need some SLEEP.