20th Reunion Stats

Our Lady of Major Depression Grade School, Class of 1984



Number of people in my graduating class: 83

Number of people from that class who attended: 47

Number of people I totally failed to recognize: 8

Number of people who didn't attend who I actually wanted to see:8

Number of people whose names were mentioned in connection with the phrase "I heard __________ killed someone...": 3

Number of these people who were not me: 2 (Apparently a modified version of the JP story has made the rounds. Towards the end of the evening I took to walking up to people and announcing "I haven't killed anyone. Not yet, anyway.")

Number of times I uttered the phrase "It's really weird to see everyone..." : >10

Number of guys who were cuter than I remember: 1 (and he bought me a beer!)

Number of guys on whom I had a crush when I was 14 whose appearance now made me think "my god, what was I thinking?": 6

Number of people who haven't left the old neighborhood, or who left and then came back: at least 22

Number of people who look at least as good as I remember them: about 35

Number of kids among the responding grads: 68

Number of kids with trendy names among the responding grads: 68

Number of extremely-drunk-from-the-moment-they-walked-in classmates who attempted to climb me like a tree when they saw me: 1

Number of other people who this individual also attempted to climb like a tree: 46, plus a few stray spouses

Number of my classmates no longer living: 1

Number of my classmates who have endured a life-threatening illness: 1

Number of my classmates who I'm better off than: maybe 2

Number of my classmates who have gained more weight than me: maybe 5

Number of people whose smiles did not freeze when I told them where I lived: 1 (the cute guy who bought me the beer)

Number of times I was asked "So--and I'm only going to ask this because I have a couple of cocktails in me---tell me: do black men REALLY have bigger penises than white men?": 1

Number of times beer came out my nose in response to a question: 1

Number of people I embarrassed by telling the story of how they dry-humped a classmate on my front porch when we were 13: 1

Number of people who should have been embarrassed by some of the stuff they tried when they were 13: a bunch

Number of bitches who were bitches to me when they were 13 and appear to still bitches to this day: 2

Number of women who were bitches to me when they were 13 and appear to be bitches no longer: about 10

Number of women who were bitches to me when they were 13 and appear to have totally converted into completely nice, sensitive, self-evaluative people: 1, and I give her major props for it

Number of guys who were total jerks at 13 but who are actually sorta kinda reasonable people now: most of 'em, actually...but they're still not forgiven for spending 2 1/2 years trying to grab my tits

Number of people who, asked on their questionnaire to specify with whom they were secretly in love, answered my name: 0

Number of my actual friends who showed up: 2

Number of classmates who, after being contacted by the reunion committee, made several obscene phone calls to the committee members, outlining a list of people who were mean to them and questioning why in the hell they would possibly want to see these fools again, ever: 1

Number of people named in this person's tirade, about whom I secretly agreed with her: all of 'em

Number of people who asked after my mother: 11

Number of people who hugged me and claimed to be glad to see me, even though when we were in 8th grade, if I had been on fire, they wouldn't have spit on me to put it out: a whole bunch

Number of beers it took to drown out this hypocrisy: about three

Number of times I thought "Thank god for the urbanization of American culture, 'cuz if it wasn't for the hip-hop coming from the club downstairs, I'd feel like I was in an alien country": at least 5 or 6

Number of people who bitched about the aforementioned music and urged everyone to "move downstairs, on the other side--the band is playing the BoDeans!!!": more than I care to think about

Number of missed calls and text messages from LJ, who apparently lost his keys and is now unable to get into the house: 5

Number of times I was glad to be who I am and where I am, living my life and not theirs: more than anyone could imagine.