If I Don't Do Something Dumb It'll Be A Miracle.

I think I picked the wrong decade to quit heroin.

 

(I'm sitting here watching "Days of Thunder". My considered opinion is that they fucked up a perfectly-good racin' movie with a dumb-ass love story and a dumb-ass buddy subplot. But the first 40 minutes is a good time...)

 

Let's see--what's making me want to kill someone today? Work, the ride home (the roads are just frothing with idiots today), Mom (who will NEVER get another gift from me that plugs into a wall--EVER--after what it's taken just to show her how to turn on the VCR and play a tape), LJ--gone, as usual, within minutes of me walking in --and the fucking credit card company which just suddenly decided that yesterday's $70 of available credit is today's $9 overlimit--which is funny since I only spent $25 at the most...

 

Did I mention that LJ is gone again?

 

Look, I am making a concerted effort not to be clingy, not to be awful, not to be needy. I give him all the space it's possible to give another human being in the same house. I don't demand to know where he's been or who he's seen or what he's done; I've allowed myself to take for granted that what he tells me, when he tells me anything, is the truth. I can afford to do this because he hasn't yet lied to me and been caught. So in light of that, I have tried very hard not to crowd or stifle him.

 

But this is ridiculous. I'm lonely. I'm lonely enough that I'm wishing for some other man, just to get some attention. I miss JP more than I can even talk about, more than I can even think about without crying. But I think about him all the same.

 

I don't expect LJ to live up to anything, to outshine any memory. But god, I want him to CARE whether we're together or not, to maybe miss me when we're not together, to act like maybe he's glad to see me or maybe wishes he could spend more time with me. The impression I get now is that he wishes I wasn't here, that he would be able to live here without the nuisance of having to see me or talk to me or spend time with me. I don't know if that's actually how he feels, but it's the attitude he projects. If I didn't know why he was doing it, I would REALLY be upset--but I know he's just trying to make money, to get his life the way he wants it. I wish he would focus less on the material end of our life and more on just enjoying ourselves--but then again, I don't see too many things he does enjoy, other than music, drinking, smoking, and hanging with his friends. I wouldn't mind it so much if I was INCLUDED!

 

I don't know how much longer I can keep going if things don't change. I am patient--but I'm also human, and I'm not spending the rest of my life like this--alone on a Friday night, watching TV, eating soup, no one to touch me.