Sitting on the southbound Purple Line today, it hit me: I really, really, more than anything, want to be able to text-message JP.
This would be an amazing age to be with him, I think; the constant ability to be in contact with someone. Our cell bills would have been just HUGE.
God, I miss him. I miss him so much I sometimes wish I could get this life overwith--just to get to wherever he is, or at the very least, to stop missing him. By all reasonable standards, I've "turned my life around"--what a fucking cliche--but what none of those people know, those people who are so proud of me, is this: Okay, fine--maybe I'm not in the mess I was in back then; maybe I've moved forward some....but right back in the middle of my life, whenever I try to look back for even the most innocuous reason, there's this huge, raw, bleeding, gaping, festering wound. And it's not going anywhere.
Yeah, those little things are what really fuck with your head- the big stuff you deal with, or get over, or at least build up some freaking defenses for, but those little thoughts that creep in just blindside the fuck out of you....
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, that was me. oops...
ReplyDeleteUrsus
ursus@standingbear.org
www.standingbear.org
The worst part for me is, those thoughts stay away very nicely while I'm busy, but once i get some downtime, they put the whammy on me. And the only time I get any REAL downtime is while I'm in transit--either driving or while on the train/bus/whatever.
ReplyDeleteNeither of those situations is terribly conducive to expressing emotions honestly. Kinda sucks.