I apologize for the short hiatus.
LJ and I pretty much careened up to the edge of the precipice of Breakup, due mainly to my own messy emotional state. I think we're okay now...not that I can ever tell, with him...but at least he's willing to speak to me again.
But here's a hint: don't ever, EVER EVER combine opiate withdrawal, sleep deprivation, job stress, and mild PMS. Just don't. It's a very bad idea. Believe me, I know of whence I speak.
Actually, a little more reading on the process of withdrawing from methadone has sorta helped me to recognize what's been going on. One of the side effects of withdrawal: "emotional lability". Basically this means you're all over the place--calm and rational one minute, crying the next. And ohhhhhh boy, does THAT sound familiar.
Well, here's the thing: Right now, I can't take that. I am not gonna spend the next three months riding the Mood Swing. I'd never survive it--I'd do something stupid, I can nearly guarantee. So last night I re-altered my dose back to 20 mg. Slept like the dead--I don't think I even rolled over or shifted positions from 1 AM onward--and woke up fairly calm.
Of course, THEN I came to work. But somehow, work just pisses me off; it doesn't usually UNHINGE me the way relationship problems do. I wish I could learn not to be unhinge-able...but I suspect that would be asking for a lot. Growing up in my family, the whole dynamic revolved around being emotionally destroyed if someone was unhappy with something you did. If their anger didn't demoralize you enough to change your behavior , it was because you didn't love them enough.
Poor LJ--nobody should have to put up with THAT.
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