Comment On A Comment

A couple of posts ago, Katie made the following comment:

"Wouldn't it be better to be alone than to be questioning and wanting all of the time? I think so, but that's just me. There are other, better men out there, that just might pop up when you trust yourself more. "



You'd think so, wouldn't you.



Here's the problem, though--or actually, several:



1. I'm pretty sure he's doing what he THINKS is the right thing. I think he really believes that the man's role is to earn money, and that's how he shows his love for his woman...by being a good provider. Today I even said to him, "you know, I'd rather have you spend more time here, and make less money--I'm not with you for the cash." He didn't believe it.



2. (This is the big one.) You mention "trusting myself more". Wellll...The problem here may be that I trust myself too much, and the rest of the world too little.



See, here's the thing: I am not an attractive woman, and I don't make any particular effort to BE attractive--because I'm actually just fine with myself as I am. I'm clean, but I don't bother with makeup (I hate it); my main hairstyles are "ponytail" or "not ponytail"; and I dress for comfort, not for fashion. I already know that if I start fussing with my looks--hair, clothes, makeup, whatever--that if I DO get a guy based on that, eventually he'll be disappointed when I go back to my actual, comfortable, no-makeup, t-shirt-and-jeans self. (And I will go back to it--I always do, no matter how motivated my original intentions.)



And I've come to believe--just from my own experience--that no matter how "different" they seem, every guy is focussed on those superficial qualities, to a greater or lesser extent. I blame it mainly on this culture we live in--from the age of about 5 onward, every heterosexual male is immersed in the myth that their women should look and act like porn stars. And no matter how much a man proclaims to care about a woman, if we can't keep up that level of image intensity, they get bored--and they either leave, or they stay and cheat.



I am amazed by this. I'm amazed because, first of all, this is NOT how I operate. I have a certain set of standards as far as who I'd like to be involved with--but they're very BASIC standards. The only one that has to do with appearance is that I like guys who are taller than me--but since I'm 5'6", that's not difficult. Other than that, I want a guy who believes sorta on the same level as I do--no neocons!--and who doesn't have any overt psychoses, weeping sores, or restraining orders. Job? Not necessary, if he doesn't expect me to take care of his bills. Ambition? Not in the traditional sense--I'd rather have a dreamer than a corporate-ladder-climber any day. Intellect of some sort is great; a sense of humor more evolved than bathroom jokes; the ability to carry on a decent conversation. But that's IT. That's the extent of the demands I'll put on a guy.....Well, that, and he has to be not disgusted by me. That seems to have been the sticking point lately.



But as long as the guy fills those few expectations, and isn't a blatant jackass, I'm generally pretty flexible. 5'7" or above, not Republican, disease-free, minimal baggage, doesn't vomit at the sight of me. Not a tough list of requirements, you'd think--and it's not because I'm selling myself short; it's just because I actually ENJOY being with someone who might not be what I'd instantly expect.



I used to believe in myself. I used to believe that I was attractive just the way I was. I was viciously disabused of that notion by CR as he packed to go move in with his next victim...he told me I was "boring" and "lousy in the sack" and he'd "rather fuck anyone else" than me. He delivered this information in a very calm, matter-of-fact way, like he was telling me my hair was brown.



I was willing to dismiss that as the ravings of an asshole, until LJ went down the same road. He hasn't SAID it, of course, so I have no proof--in fact, at one point several months ago he said something about how his previous girlfriends always seemed to think he wasn't interested, but it was really just that he was more focussed on other things--namely, making money. But I don't know...



Actually, THAT, right there, is the problem in a nutshell: I have NO idea what goes on in that man's mind. If he expressed his thoughts a little more, I would be nowhere near as paranoid as I am. Sometimes I'm sure I'm fine; other times I'm sure I'm the biggest annoyance in his life. And I know--at least, I THINK I know--that if that was actually true, if he really was sick of me and bored, he'd leave; he doesn't seem like someone who has the patience to stay anywhere he doesn't want to be. But then that other voice pops in--the one that says Why would he leave, even if he can't stand you, when he's got it so soft? I remember CR saying the same thing one time--in the middle of an argument, I told him that since he was still THERE, he obviously wasn't THAT miserable with me. His reply will probably be the source of self-doubt for the rest of my life, every time I do anything for anyone....He said "Of COURSE I'm still here!! You pay the bills, you give me money, I can do anything I want--who would give THAT up???? Even if they WERE miserable, who would give THAT up???"



It might be better to be alone, yeah. But I'm 34 years old, and though I have a pretty realistic perception of my chances from this point on, I'm just not ready to concede just yet. I've already pretty much resigned myself to my eventual status as the Crazy Cat Lady Down The Street, but why jump the gun?