Systematic Dismantlement

The Conversation will be happening tomorrow, if all goes well.



I text-messaged LJ this morning (from the bus, on the way to the clinic): "hey--tomorrow morning i want 2 talk 2 you about some house stuff--plans & shit--so save me some time, ok?"



The "plans" include the following topics:



1. Part of the reason Bob the Asshole Plumber got his hooks into this house in the first place is that, though I'm extremely confident of my abilities when it comes to home repair, I am NOT confident about my ability to do everything singlehandedly. (Have you ever tried to hang a kitchen cabinet without a second pair of hands? Neither have I, nor do I plan to try it.) So I want to ask LJ--if I needed his help to do some repairs and shit, provided I had everything ready to go by the time I asked and didn't ask him to sit there and do nothing while I putter around, would he be willing to help me? (A "no" answer will not be taken too well--though it may be a while before I would express my displeasure.)





2. The next question will have two purposes: "If I didn't have this house, would you still be with me?"



The first purpose--the one I'm going to admit to--is this: one of my options in regard to this clusterfuck of a house, quite frankly, is to sell it, cut my losses, get myself a nice studio apartment in Rogers Park, put my large appliances and shit in storage, and regroup for a year or two. And I want to know if that will mean losing LJ as well.



The other purpose--the shadowy one--is to lead into another area of discussion. If he asks--as he always does--why I want to know such a thing, I'll just tell him: sometimes it feels like he's only here because it's better than living with his parents. I feel like a roommate, not a girlfriend. We never go out, and though I know all his friends, he still keeps large parts of his life to himself. And I don't plan to live like this indefinitely. If he can point me to a good reason that it has to be like this now, and a general timeframe as to when it might improve, I'll gladly listen; otherwise, I have some decisions to make.



Either way, as I see it, I win. It -will- suck, though; I honestly care about LJ, and it makes me sad to see him unwilling or unable to compromise on some things. We're SO GREAT when it comes to the practical things--it's just that he sees every request of mine for his time or attention as something he needs to defend against. I don't know if it was his family that made him this way, or a bad experience with a previous girlfriend, but something has put ALL his defenses up, and he just can't seem to take them down for anyone.



Back to the house, though--I really, REALLY don't want to sell it. I really want to fix it and keep it and stay here. I like this block, I like this neighborhood, I like my neighbors, and I LOVE this house--if I could just get it to a point where it's structurally sound and nothing's going to go horribly horribly wrong. My mom has offered to give me money to get the joist fixed--which I'd prefer NOT to take, but what the hell else can I do?? But even once that's done, there's still thousands and thousands of dollars of work left to do. Some of it is stuff I can do myself--MOST of it, actually, with the exception of electrical and plumbing--and I can LEARN electrical. But as I said above, I can't do it singlehandedly.



(Heyyyyyy...maybe I could use this as an excuse to get acquainted with the cutie next door--"Could you do me a favor and hold something for me?" :::bat bat:::: I mean, c'mon--the guy is adorable. The first time I was talking to him and he was telling me about who all lives in that house, he introduced me to his mother--and he actually TOOK HER ARM and walked her over and introduced her FORMALLY. It was the sweetest damn thing.)



Anyway, I'm just evaluating my options at this point--which isn't much fun, but apparently it needs to be done. If LJ leaves--well, he leaves. I'll be sad, but I'll get by; after all, MUCH worse things have happened to me.



And now--a nap.