Whatever Happens Now

I haven't -completely- given up on LJ. At least, I don't think I have.



I love him, more than I can really express. But....Well, see, there's this old Motown-type song that CR used to play..."Take care of your homework baby/ If you don't, somebody will..."



There is no longer any reasonable explanation for his continued neglect of certain areas of our relationship. He's obviously bored with me, which is fine--really, I'm used to it by now--but what I can't accept is this: if he's so bored that he won't fuck me anymore, shouldn't he just LEAVE??? Instead of staying here rent-free, paying only the car note (on the car which he drives at least 75% of the time)? Instead of pretending?



I've tried to talk to him about it. I have a hard time articulating things like that--especially since CR!--but I've tried. He listens, but he says nothing--no reaction, and I can't have a conversation when I'm the only one talking. I've tried notes; as I've mentioned before, THOSE just piss him off. And the other night, when he left not five minutes after I'd walked in from work, I sent him a text message--something to the effect of "It really bothers me that we don't get any time together and that you don't seem to mind it at all."



Two minutes later the phone rang, and when I answered it, his reply really said everything that needed to be said: "What NOW???"



That was last week, before I wrote that other post, and though I thought about what it must be like from his point of view, I am still hurt. I've tried to rationalize it all for so long, but the fact remains: I am being used. I am getting nothing and giving everything, and I have no voice here.



For example: A couple of days ago, I had the truck and LJ was watching his nephew, so after work I picked him up in Maywood. Before he drove me home, we stopped and picked up a couple of his friends--Marcus and some guy I didn't know. While we were picking up the others, LJ got a call saying it was okay to drop his nephew off, so we went back to the house; he went in to tell his sister something, leaving me and the guys in the idling car. At one point, Marcus got a cell call, and the guy I didn't know asked me to turn down the radio. But it was how he asked that got me; he reached forward out of the back seat and touched my shoulder.



Just that little touch gave me goosebumps. Not because I was attracted to the guy--I couldn't even tell you what he looked like--but because it was more contact than I've gotten from anyone in a long, long time. I am an affectionate person. I need a lot of touching--and LJ is not a toucher. And it got me thinking.



I love LJ very much. But it's becoming obvious to me that I am never going to get the things I need out of this relationship. I don't know if he CAN'T give me those things, or if he WON'T--I used to think it was that he didn't know I even wanted those kind of things, but I've asked as much as I can ask, in as many ways as I can ask. When CR left me, I promised myself I was never again going to have to beg any man to touch me; well, here I am again.



Well, today I put an ad on AOL, stating exactly what I'm looking for. And I tried to text-message Terrence, but his cell phone isn't working and the only number I have besides that is his work number. Terrence still calls me once in a while, and every time he calls he tells me how he wishes he hadn't let me get away. I like Terrence, but I don't quite trust him--hell, I don't trust any man to want me, after this. He'll quite likely get bored with me too. But I'm willing to enjoy whatever happens with him, until that inevitable day of boredom comes along.



I'm not kicking LJ out; if that's hypocrisy, well then, I'm a hypocrite. But I'm not the one who's bored with HIM. I was--hell, I AM-- perfectly willing to stay with him. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life celibate, especially when I've tried to find out what the problem is, and can't get an answer. I would change things, if I knew what needed to change--but he won't even tell me that much. I have done everything in my power and still I'm ignored. Should I put him out? Maybe. I mean, I don't think I'm asking for too much.



But then again, I'm not a man. I know I'm not much to look at, but I know lots of ugly women whose men still love them--and still want them, too. I think maybe I had my chance at happiness, with JP, and when he died I lost that--all of it. He was the last man who listened to me, who was proud of me, who accepted me the way I was, who understood me, and who wanted me. I never took him for granted, but I was stupid enough to hope, after he died, that there might be someone out there who would want me again.



Instead, here I am again, in just about the same situation I was in with CR. I'm coming to understand that, whatever may have been his motivation in the beginning, LJ is now only with me because he likes the situation. He lives rent-free, comes and goes as he pleases, answers to no one, has meals prepared for him, has no demands made on him, and can have anyone over whenever he pleases. He couldn't do that at his mother's house; anywhere else, he would have had to pay rent and take care of himself.



That's fine--after all, my bills would be the same whether he was here or not--but it's a lot to ask me to be faithful to him when he won't so much as touch me.



At least I know where I stand, I guess. But I'm not going to just sit and take it--not this time.