My dreams lately are full of heroin.
Back when I first stopped using, I would dream about heroin a lot. I would dream about the places I used to buy; I used to dream about scoring, about the cops chasing me or searching me. I'd dream about cooking it up and drawing it into the needle.
The one thing I never dreamed about was actually USING it. I would wake up just at the moment in the dream where I'd pick up the needle, and when I'd wake up completely I'd feel cheated, angry, lost.
The night before last I woke up and looked at the backs of my hands; that's how convinced I was that I'd shot up. I remember even thinking in the dream of the five years clean that I was throwing away--not that time matters to me like that. I remember in the dream actually feeling the heroin hit my bloodstream and it was exactly how it felt.
I am so angry these days; so much of my life, despite my placid little surface, is wreckage underneath. Riding home with the Brit tonight, we talked as always--and after I dropped him off, I thought about the things I'd said. I am not as composed, not as together as I would like anyone to believe. Under the surface I am absolutely raw, questioning everything I've done over the past few years to build my life back up. I have spent so much time and energy building up an elaborate facade of Someone Who Is Okay, Really--except it's only a facade, only a front. I am nowhere near okay, and the mess is starting to leak out around my edges. I'm sure everyone else has seen it; I'm starting to see it myself, and it scares me.
I am lonely as hell.
One of the many reasons I enjoy your blog is because of your ability to be brutally real and honest. I thank you for that.
ReplyDeletejust know that you are not alone experiencing those feelings!
Yeah, well, the thing about facades is that they aren't really very strong (although I think they build them stronger in the midwest than on the coasts). Still, gods, let yourself out sometimes to play and throw tantrums and be messy.
ReplyDeleteOh, and accupuncture can help with drug dreams.
Hehehe...There's something very entertaining about the notion of being poked with needles to rid myself of dreams of poking myself with needles.
ReplyDeleteJanine--Thanks! :)
Echoing Janine over here.
ReplyDeleteAnd echoing the loneliness
My dreams though are about giant man-eating sausage sandwiches chasing me up a double choc chip muffin mountain (Shit, did I just say that out loud?)
Ooh, Flash, honey, you shouldn't be eating chili-dogs before bed. That's just not healthy.
ReplyDeleteI used to have dreams that my alarm clock was chasing me and spinning its hands (it was an old-school clock) menacingly.
Where's the anger coming from?
ReplyDeleteYou might not be OK.. Who is? but you could be worse you could be using. congratulations on your five years. you have a beautiful heart don'y waste it.
ReplyDeleteThe anger is coming from the level of abuse I'm taking at this job, largely, and the paralyzing fear of losing everything if I leave it. (My mother, bless her heart, is not helping. "What if you don't find another job?" she asks. "Gee, I never thought of that possibility," I don't say. WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD I BE HANGING ON? (Hint: not out of a sense of loyalty or honor, that's for sure.)
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel like I'm doing everything within my power to get ahead and somehow it just never happens. I am not normally one of these people who feels like she can't get a break--god knows I've had MANY, many advantages--but just at the moment it feels like I'm standing completely still. And I don't like standing still. It pisses me off.
Don't worry about your mother - we're shipping our respective mothers off somewhere nice and far away, remember?
ReplyDeleteI could not be more with you, girl, and I know for a fact that we're not alone either. It seems everyone is going through massive unheaval right now - the effect, I believe, of watching 250,000 people die right about the time we're making New Year's resolutions. Keep focused, stay strong, tell your inner demons to bugger off for a bit, and it will happen. There are in fact three things you can count on in life: death, taxes, and change.
And don't you dare even start thinking about using again! Five years clean is one hell of an accomplishment.